Barrage of emails/texts this morning, because of course, he didn't come home last night.
The guilty party sucking up for..............
...ta - da - court tonight. The harrassment/stalking charges. So he'll be with OW again tonight.
But of course, he tries to get me to have sex with him. I decline. He sleeps. His mom comes over.
He sneaks out with his bag...all "I'll call you later" and shit. Calls me & bitches because I was at the window watching him leave and texted him about the bag. Calls three more times - I don't answer. Fuck him.
He could have at least given me the courtesy of telling me he was back to staying with her again.
This is fucking nuts.
WHY the very second that I hear the words "I'm confused" from him (again today, in an email) - why do I see it a sign of some kind of hope or something.
WHY? Evryone I've given the rundown about the sitch says if a man said he was confused to them, they'd show him the door. What's MY problem? Why can't I do that so easily?
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Now, for the psychobabble...
Let's rip this apart.
I'm pissed. I'm suspicious. Angry, hurt, frustrated.
Suspicious that OW is there. That explains the rejection of my offer to stay with him last night. That leads to me being hurt...then leads to my frustration and not feeling like I'm able to "DO" something constructive in our R.
So, a typical response / reaction from me is to act a little miffed. And to soometimes let my anger show through. This time, I think I handled it in a blase type manner. I fully EXPECTED him to reject me last night. Knew that when I sent the text, so it didn't really surprise me that he said no. But, somehow I have to learn that while I didn't expect a yes, I have to learn how to shrug off my disappointment. How do I do THAT?
And again today, with his text. I'm pissed that it's almost 2 pm and it really doesn't look like he's coming here. Especially after his closing words on the phone last night were "If I didn't have to do the promo, I'd come home tonight" (And yes, I thought to myself all BS. If you REALLY menat what you just said, you would go do the promo, then come home. It was only 10:15 and it would only take 1/2 hour to do. But I said nothing.)
Another thing - normally I would have just texted him back after todays text. Instead I tried to CALL. But, if OW is there, of course he won't answer. But it was my attempt to break the cycle.
Roadblock.
Let's rip this apart.
I'm pissed. I'm suspicious. Angry, hurt, frustrated.
Suspicious that OW is there. That explains the rejection of my offer to stay with him last night. That leads to me being hurt...then leads to my frustration and not feeling like I'm able to "DO" something constructive in our R.
So, a typical response / reaction from me is to act a little miffed. And to soometimes let my anger show through. This time, I think I handled it in a blase type manner. I fully EXPECTED him to reject me last night. Knew that when I sent the text, so it didn't really surprise me that he said no. But, somehow I have to learn that while I didn't expect a yes, I have to learn how to shrug off my disappointment. How do I do THAT?
And again today, with his text. I'm pissed that it's almost 2 pm and it really doesn't look like he's coming here. Especially after his closing words on the phone last night were "If I didn't have to do the promo, I'd come home tonight" (And yes, I thought to myself all BS. If you REALLY menat what you just said, you would go do the promo, then come home. It was only 10:15 and it would only take 1/2 hour to do. But I said nothing.)
Another thing - normally I would have just texted him back after todays text. Instead I tried to CALL. But, if OW is there, of course he won't answer. But it was my attempt to break the cycle.
Roadblock.
So, he had work thing....last night I texted him with his "Hey, your mom's watching the kids for me. If you want some company tonight let me know. If not, we'll see you tomorrow. xo"
His response was "I wont get out of here till mid. Sorry i would have liked that".
Me: "Oh well. What is my opportunity, becomes your loss. lol"
Then he called & texted my cell several times to see where I was (thinking I was already out) and what I was doing. Last time was at 10:15. Yeah, I figure OW is with him at the hotel. Especially when today at 1 he texts me (not calls) and says: "Hi. I got real sick like i knew i would. In still in bed. Going to do promo in a bit. I have this room till tomorrow"
So, I decided to CALL him back. Went right to VM. So I texted:
"Tried to call, no answer. Guess we'll see you tomorrow, then. Feel better."
I'm not going to let this get to me. I'M NOT!!!!!!!!!! I actually think it would be better not to have to see him until tomorrow. I'm still trying to read and organize my head, thoughts, and notes. Hard to do when he's around.
And with my suspicions, I'm not really in the mood to deal with him right now.
His response was "I wont get out of here till mid. Sorry i would have liked that".
Me: "Oh well. What is my opportunity, becomes your loss. lol"
Then he called & texted my cell several times to see where I was (thinking I was already out) and what I was doing. Last time was at 10:15. Yeah, I figure OW is with him at the hotel. Especially when today at 1 he texts me (not calls) and says: "Hi. I got real sick like i knew i would. In still in bed. Going to do promo in a bit. I have this room till tomorrow"
So, I decided to CALL him back. Went right to VM. So I texted:
"Tried to call, no answer. Guess we'll see you tomorrow, then. Feel better."
I'm not going to let this get to me. I'M NOT!!!!!!!!!! I actually think it would be better not to have to see him until tomorrow. I'm still trying to read and organize my head, thoughts, and notes. Hard to do when he's around.
And with my suspicions, I'm not really in the mood to deal with him right now.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
My decision
Well, I've made the decision to NOT make a decision.
I strongly believe that if I make the unilateral decision to put an end to our R, that it will only prolong SO's problems. Maybe that's not the best reason for me to decide this, but it is what I feel.
D8 is in the middle of a school year. I'd rather not move (a) during winter and (b) during her school year. My decision can be revisited in May/June, when it's closer to the end of the year. Besides, there's little to no rentals available right now in the area I need to go.
Until then, I will:
A. Deal with BPD (or whatever personality disorder it is) issue by
1. Continue reading BPD info
2. Continue to find out how to communicate with him
3. Encourage him to continue therapy
4. Learn the correct ways to set my own personal boundaries and the consequences to him by not respecting those boundaries
B. Deal with R / OW issue
1. Re-read DB then determine what goals can be made, taking into account the BPD problems
2. Go back to "subtle pursuit"
I have to do a lot more reading and further deep soul searching to determine what "I" ultimately hope to have happen and what I would be able to accept from this R. That is not going to be easy. If he was to recommit to our "R", will I ever get what I need/want from him? I know I can't see the future, so that will not be possible to predict, but I currently feel that I CAN "get him back".
But here's the kicker. Is that what I really want? That's what I need to figure out in the upcoming months. Knowing that he's got some kind of personality disorder, would it be something that I have the strength to deal with in the future? That's where learning how to communicate with him and his disorder will come into play. That's where recognizing my boundaries, and enforcing them, will play a big, big factor in determining the outcome of this.
I feel like I've been coasting along, sometimes erring on the side of caution; afraid to take certain stands because I didn't know what I was dealing with. Now with more resources available; with his (hopefully) continued psychological counseling, perhaps, even if I do end up moving out and ending this (romantic) R, I will feel like I truly have done everything available.
The thought of leaving now has not sat well with me. I feel like there are still stones unturned. And I REALLY don't like the thought of moving D8 during a school year. If my decision doesn't jive with him, well, as DB says (in matters of divorce), if he wants me out, then HE needs to do the work. He can go to court and have me evicted, if that's what he wants. Or, he can move out (again). That's his choice.
However, MY choice is to give it everything I've got for the next 3 months. At the end of that time, I may very well decide that leaving is the best choice for me & my kids. Time will tell.
I strongly believe that if I make the unilateral decision to put an end to our R, that it will only prolong SO's problems. Maybe that's not the best reason for me to decide this, but it is what I feel.
D8 is in the middle of a school year. I'd rather not move (a) during winter and (b) during her school year. My decision can be revisited in May/June, when it's closer to the end of the year. Besides, there's little to no rentals available right now in the area I need to go.
Until then, I will:
A. Deal with BPD (or whatever personality disorder it is) issue by
1. Continue reading BPD info
2. Continue to find out how to communicate with him
3. Encourage him to continue therapy
4. Learn the correct ways to set my own personal boundaries and the consequences to him by not respecting those boundaries
B. Deal with R / OW issue
1. Re-read DB then determine what goals can be made, taking into account the BPD problems
2. Go back to "subtle pursuit"
I have to do a lot more reading and further deep soul searching to determine what "I" ultimately hope to have happen and what I would be able to accept from this R. That is not going to be easy. If he was to recommit to our "R", will I ever get what I need/want from him? I know I can't see the future, so that will not be possible to predict, but I currently feel that I CAN "get him back".
But here's the kicker. Is that what I really want? That's what I need to figure out in the upcoming months. Knowing that he's got some kind of personality disorder, would it be something that I have the strength to deal with in the future? That's where learning how to communicate with him and his disorder will come into play. That's where recognizing my boundaries, and enforcing them, will play a big, big factor in determining the outcome of this.
I feel like I've been coasting along, sometimes erring on the side of caution; afraid to take certain stands because I didn't know what I was dealing with. Now with more resources available; with his (hopefully) continued psychological counseling, perhaps, even if I do end up moving out and ending this (romantic) R, I will feel like I truly have done everything available.
The thought of leaving now has not sat well with me. I feel like there are still stones unturned. And I REALLY don't like the thought of moving D8 during a school year. If my decision doesn't jive with him, well, as DB says (in matters of divorce), if he wants me out, then HE needs to do the work. He can go to court and have me evicted, if that's what he wants. Or, he can move out (again). That's his choice.
However, MY choice is to give it everything I've got for the next 3 months. At the end of that time, I may very well decide that leaving is the best choice for me & my kids. Time will tell.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
OK, so I was lazy the entire of month of February and had to copy those posts from the other site. LOL Oh well, I can be lazy when I want to be!
SO is gone now for 3 nights, until sometime Sunday. Annual work thing; he's actually local, but stays in a hotel. Station event. I'm feeling a little relieved at not having to do with him for a few days. But, yeah, the thought is in the back of my mind if OW is there. I wouldn't doubt it.
His mom is coming for the weekend, which I mentioned to him. Gave him the heads up that I will be kid-free, although not sure what my plans will be. Once upon a time, I used to go to this event with him....well, at least pop in throughout and then go there on Saturday night when it ended and everyone went out afterward. I wasn't fishing for him to ask me to come out there, more that he's insistant on knowing things in advance. Nor did I want him to think this was something I had planned. It wasn't. His mother called me this morning, I had nothing to do with it.
I've decided to really take some time and think about what to do next. I mean REALLY REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. In one of my earlier posts, I seem so wishy-washy.
In some ways, we've become stagnant. There was a time when pursuit worked with him. Maybe it's time to go back to that.
As for moving out, I think I'm inclined to stay a bit longer. It's March, school's out in June. I think I can do this for 3 1/2 months longer. I just need to set some goals, again. Read my arsenal of books, again. Focus. I've fallen off the path. Time to get back on it. Come June, I can relocate if I feel nothing significant has changed.
Oh, from last night. SO called and asked if D8 could sleep with him (we've always done this as a treat to her)...I said OK. Then, around 11:30, he comes to MY room with his pillow. Saying he can't sleep. So, he slept with me last night. Shrug. Just an interesting observation. I thought for sure with D8 in there, his abandonment fear would be quelled for the night. Guess I was wrong.
SO is gone now for 3 nights, until sometime Sunday. Annual work thing; he's actually local, but stays in a hotel. Station event. I'm feeling a little relieved at not having to do with him for a few days. But, yeah, the thought is in the back of my mind if OW is there. I wouldn't doubt it.
His mom is coming for the weekend, which I mentioned to him. Gave him the heads up that I will be kid-free, although not sure what my plans will be. Once upon a time, I used to go to this event with him....well, at least pop in throughout and then go there on Saturday night when it ended and everyone went out afterward. I wasn't fishing for him to ask me to come out there, more that he's insistant on knowing things in advance. Nor did I want him to think this was something I had planned. It wasn't. His mother called me this morning, I had nothing to do with it.
I've decided to really take some time and think about what to do next. I mean REALLY REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. In one of my earlier posts, I seem so wishy-washy.
In some ways, we've become stagnant. There was a time when pursuit worked with him. Maybe it's time to go back to that.
As for moving out, I think I'm inclined to stay a bit longer. It's March, school's out in June. I think I can do this for 3 1/2 months longer. I just need to set some goals, again. Read my arsenal of books, again. Focus. I've fallen off the path. Time to get back on it. Come June, I can relocate if I feel nothing significant has changed.
Oh, from last night. SO called and asked if D8 could sleep with him (we've always done this as a treat to her)...I said OK. Then, around 11:30, he comes to MY room with his pillow. Saying he can't sleep. So, he slept with me last night. Shrug. Just an interesting observation. I thought for sure with D8 in there, his abandonment fear would be quelled for the night. Guess I was wrong.
3/01/07
SO had court last night, re: OW's charges. Because he had no legal representation with him, the judge ordered a continuance, or rather, that's what SO has told me. He needs to get a lawyer and go back. Shrug. At this point, I can't figure out whether being charged or not being charged is better overall.
When he gets home, I'd been watching an old rerun of CSI: Miami, a show we both like. We have a DVR which allows you to rewind, so when he got home he said "I was hoping you hadn't started watching this yet." I was actually about 1/2 hour into but said I'd start it from the beginning. I really wanted him to see ALL of this episode. LMAO...here's why....
In the show, they found some drugs, tested them, turned out to be "Hillbilly Heroin". That term in itself made me crack up. How ironic, I thought to myself. Blah, blah - this guy had an accident and was taking it for pain. All the while denying he has an addiction and vehemently saying "I'm not a drug addict." Turns out it was Oxycodone.
While SO is listening to this, I'm carefully studying him (I'd already seen this part and knew what they were going to say.) I see his eyes raise up. At the commercial, "he says Oxycodone? I think that's strong stuff, don't think I have that." I said, "I don't know what it is." (I am truly naive when it comes to drugs of any kind.) We both head to the kitchen for a snack. I pause at the shelf where his pill bottles are....I said - "Oxycodone? Is that what they said? Look - you have 2 bottles up here. Generic for percoset." He just looked at me. Then I looked at the other bottle - "Hydrocodone, generic for Vicodin."
Hillbilly heroin. How accurate. I think SO caught the parallels to his own life.
When he gets home, I'd been watching an old rerun of CSI: Miami, a show we both like. We have a DVR which allows you to rewind, so when he got home he said "I was hoping you hadn't started watching this yet." I was actually about 1/2 hour into but said I'd start it from the beginning. I really wanted him to see ALL of this episode. LMAO...here's why....
In the show, they found some drugs, tested them, turned out to be "Hillbilly Heroin". That term in itself made me crack up. How ironic, I thought to myself. Blah, blah - this guy had an accident and was taking it for pain. All the while denying he has an addiction and vehemently saying "I'm not a drug addict." Turns out it was Oxycodone.
While SO is listening to this, I'm carefully studying him (I'd already seen this part and knew what they were going to say.) I see his eyes raise up. At the commercial, "he says Oxycodone? I think that's strong stuff, don't think I have that." I said, "I don't know what it is." (I am truly naive when it comes to drugs of any kind.) We both head to the kitchen for a snack. I pause at the shelf where his pill bottles are....I said - "Oxycodone? Is that what they said? Look - you have 2 bottles up here. Generic for percoset." He just looked at me. Then I looked at the other bottle - "Hydrocodone, generic for Vicodin."
Hillbilly heroin. How accurate. I think SO caught the parallels to his own life.
2/28/07
BI!!!! Hey, girl. Thanks for stopping in.
Saw the pix of your wreck - thank God you and your children came out OK. It's scary how things can change in the blink of an eye.
Any time you want to pack up that fryin' pan (I'm hoping it's cast iron) and take a road trip, let me know! My door's open if you need a get away!!
As for the garbage I'm living with. You're right. It's hard. If you take each individual "problem", that is, break them down and think about how one would deal with them one at a time, I think:
Would I leave him becuase he's got a health condition that's resulted in a prescription painkiller addiction? Would I leave because he's apparently suffering from some kind of personality disorder?
Would I leave because of OW?
Each of those things in and of themselves ARE very difficult for any couple to overcome. And, we've been slammed with all of them at the same time. That's not even factoring in the financial problems, work issues, and kids to raise.
So, do I bail? I do admit to thinking about it more often these days. The thought of putting 2 hours between him & I and not having to deal with this crap on a daily basis IS very inviting. More and more as every day passes and nothing obvious changes.
When I think about the fact that I KNOW on a personal level I can be happy without him, I do admit to feeling guilty. And, please, everyone, don't slam me for that. It's not what's holding me here. I don't blame myself for anything more than what I am guilty of - sucking at interpersonal relationships! LOL Due to whatever reasons, I didn't live up to my half of the R when we were together. And granted, SO chose the path to OW.... as did all the spouses / SO's here on this forum - that's how we all got here. That's how WAS chose to answer the problems they were experiencing. Doesn't make it right; doesn't make it wrong. But it is what happened.
So, here I am. Perhaps what I'm doing is only making matters worse. But the optimist in me says, "well, you must be something that's at least a little right because he STILL cannot make up his mind." After all this time, there's something that I'm doing that makes him pause in furthering his R with OW.
But, WTH knows. Again, back to my indecision. Is staying better? Or leaving? And, you're right - how much more am I able to take? I don't know that answer. Not yet anyway.
OT,
Thanks for the clarification. What I meant about the "anti-DB" remark was that I was under the impression that as the LBS, that until such time that the WAS re-commits or shows an interest in repairing the R (and we all know in my case that SO has NOT recommitted to our R), that the LBS should "put aside" their wants/needs from the R. Perhaps because I haven't read the book in so long, I am not remembering correctly. I know one can't keep putting their thoughts/feelings aside forever, that's obviously not healthy for the LBS, but I thought that it was to be "postponed" until there's mutual committment. So, I guess I felt like I was not following DB structure.
As for my father and our relationship as parent/child, once I moved out on my own, I told my father that if he wanted to be alcoholic that was his choice. But he was to respect my wishes and that I would not see him or allow him in my home when he was drunk. If he wanted to have anything to do with me, it was to be when he was sober. As a result, I would not attend his 50th birthday party where there was going to be alcohol, as a matter of fact hadn't seen him personally in over one year, and then he died 2 weeks after his birthday. That will be 10 years ago in July. Honestly, there's times when I think about my childhood and cry. How could he have done this to his kids? Blame him, and yes - hate him. And yes, sometimes I feel guilt for not having seen him for so long before he died.
But, here's the very interesting part - especially when you look at my current situation - I always held it against my mother for not leaving him and subjecting us kids to that violent, abusive lifestyle. And now, as a mother myself, I constantly think about that. granted, my situation does not include physical abuse, but how is this affecting my children? I worry about it constantly. And I also worry about how it's going to be as a single mom. Is sticking my kids with sitters/day care for 10 hours a day, mom stressed out & tired from work; struggling to make ends meet - is that a better life for us? Am I scared to be out on my own? You're damned right I am. FOR THE FINANCIAL REASONS. I know all too well SO's poor money managing skills. And, yes, I know I will be able to get child support. And right now, I have now doubt that I could ask a judge for pretty much anything and be awarded - and yes, I have copies of every single tax form; restraining order, emails, anything that can be used on my behalf should it come to a court battle. I have to laugh - OW did a lot of hard work for me. Her charges against SO, his stay in the psych ward - very damaging to SO should it come to that.
But child support won't cover all my expenses. I have worked the scenario over & over - trying to figure out if I'd be able to make it on my own. And it doesn't look promising. So, am I staying right now out of fear? Perhaps. Good god, I'm sure I'm opening up a whole can of psychological worms by admitting this stuff. But I think that what's really holding me back from making a stay/go decision is the fact that he's attending counseling. FINALLY. And it's a MAJOR step for him. And while I know it's no guarantee for the future of our R, I am hoping it it helps him figure out what he wants in his life. Whether it's me, OW, or someone else. And that's what makes me think I should stick it out a little longer.
Saw the pix of your wreck - thank God you and your children came out OK. It's scary how things can change in the blink of an eye.
Any time you want to pack up that fryin' pan (I'm hoping it's cast iron) and take a road trip, let me know! My door's open if you need a get away!!
As for the garbage I'm living with. You're right. It's hard. If you take each individual "problem", that is, break them down and think about how one would deal with them one at a time, I think:
Would I leave him becuase he's got a health condition that's resulted in a prescription painkiller addiction? Would I leave because he's apparently suffering from some kind of personality disorder?
Would I leave because of OW?
Each of those things in and of themselves ARE very difficult for any couple to overcome. And, we've been slammed with all of them at the same time. That's not even factoring in the financial problems, work issues, and kids to raise.
So, do I bail? I do admit to thinking about it more often these days. The thought of putting 2 hours between him & I and not having to deal with this crap on a daily basis IS very inviting. More and more as every day passes and nothing obvious changes.
When I think about the fact that I KNOW on a personal level I can be happy without him, I do admit to feeling guilty. And, please, everyone, don't slam me for that. It's not what's holding me here. I don't blame myself for anything more than what I am guilty of - sucking at interpersonal relationships! LOL Due to whatever reasons, I didn't live up to my half of the R when we were together. And granted, SO chose the path to OW.... as did all the spouses / SO's here on this forum - that's how we all got here. That's how WAS chose to answer the problems they were experiencing. Doesn't make it right; doesn't make it wrong. But it is what happened.
So, here I am. Perhaps what I'm doing is only making matters worse. But the optimist in me says, "well, you must be something that's at least a little right because he STILL cannot make up his mind." After all this time, there's something that I'm doing that makes him pause in furthering his R with OW.
But, WTH knows. Again, back to my indecision. Is staying better? Or leaving? And, you're right - how much more am I able to take? I don't know that answer. Not yet anyway.
OT,
Thanks for the clarification. What I meant about the "anti-DB" remark was that I was under the impression that as the LBS, that until such time that the WAS re-commits or shows an interest in repairing the R (and we all know in my case that SO has NOT recommitted to our R), that the LBS should "put aside" their wants/needs from the R. Perhaps because I haven't read the book in so long, I am not remembering correctly. I know one can't keep putting their thoughts/feelings aside forever, that's obviously not healthy for the LBS, but I thought that it was to be "postponed" until there's mutual committment. So, I guess I felt like I was not following DB structure.
As for my father and our relationship as parent/child, once I moved out on my own, I told my father that if he wanted to be alcoholic that was his choice. But he was to respect my wishes and that I would not see him or allow him in my home when he was drunk. If he wanted to have anything to do with me, it was to be when he was sober. As a result, I would not attend his 50th birthday party where there was going to be alcohol, as a matter of fact hadn't seen him personally in over one year, and then he died 2 weeks after his birthday. That will be 10 years ago in July. Honestly, there's times when I think about my childhood and cry. How could he have done this to his kids? Blame him, and yes - hate him. And yes, sometimes I feel guilt for not having seen him for so long before he died.
But, here's the very interesting part - especially when you look at my current situation - I always held it against my mother for not leaving him and subjecting us kids to that violent, abusive lifestyle. And now, as a mother myself, I constantly think about that. granted, my situation does not include physical abuse, but how is this affecting my children? I worry about it constantly. And I also worry about how it's going to be as a single mom. Is sticking my kids with sitters/day care for 10 hours a day, mom stressed out & tired from work; struggling to make ends meet - is that a better life for us? Am I scared to be out on my own? You're damned right I am. FOR THE FINANCIAL REASONS. I know all too well SO's poor money managing skills. And, yes, I know I will be able to get child support. And right now, I have now doubt that I could ask a judge for pretty much anything and be awarded - and yes, I have copies of every single tax form; restraining order, emails, anything that can be used on my behalf should it come to a court battle. I have to laugh - OW did a lot of hard work for me. Her charges against SO, his stay in the psych ward - very damaging to SO should it come to that.
But child support won't cover all my expenses. I have worked the scenario over & over - trying to figure out if I'd be able to make it on my own. And it doesn't look promising. So, am I staying right now out of fear? Perhaps. Good god, I'm sure I'm opening up a whole can of psychological worms by admitting this stuff. But I think that what's really holding me back from making a stay/go decision is the fact that he's attending counseling. FINALLY. And it's a MAJOR step for him. And while I know it's no guarantee for the future of our R, I am hoping it it helps him figure out what he wants in his life. Whether it's me, OW, or someone else. And that's what makes me think I should stick it out a little longer.
Quote:
First - I didn't realize that Crohn's disease was being considered as a diagnosis. If he has chronic abdominal pain, he should definitely be tried on a gluten-free diet:
Ellie,
Yes, the last time he was in the hospital (in January 07 for the abdominal pain & infection) the doctors told him that Crohn's is considered; they also told him from the little they know, that since he keeps having infections/flare-ups so often, he will most likely need surgery to remove a part of his intestine. However, they need to do the colonoscopy. Since his hospital stays last summer, he has postponed each appointment due to one drama or another (root canal, snowy weather, suicide threat, then car accident)....they can't make any diagnosis until he has that done, at the very least. To my knowledge, he has yet to reschedule another one.....
Quote:
Of course, right now he may have abdominal pains any time he withdraws from the pain pills, since narcotics addicts have a lot of cramping and pain when they go through withdrawal
This is good info to have, I didn't know that. And thank you for the link to the gluten free diet. I did read a little of it, haven't passed it on to SO as of yet. He tends to shrug everything off....which leads me to this:
Quote:
I don't blame you for being fed up. If you can do anything to get him clean, though - even if you plan to leave - it will be better for your kids to have a sober dad.
I don't know. I don't think "I" can do that. I grew up with an alcoholic father who lived by the bottle and indirectly died by the bottle (shot & killed by a drinking buddy in a murder/suicide)...In the 17 years I lived at home with him, the one thing I learned is you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. The whole leading the horse to water thing. I can't force SO to get help - of any kind. Whether it is for his medical conditions, mental conditions - whatever. I've witnessed over & over again. He'll ask me for my opinion, and when I tell him, if it doesn't agree with his opinion, he disregards it. And yet, someone else can give him the very same information that I do, and he'll listen to them.
And this example just recently came up when him & I were discussing his session with the therapist. I've known there was something "not right" with his mind for awhile and knowing his childhood (mother leaving at age 8, finding out he was the product of his mothers affair with her boss) - I've always stated to him that those negative incidents impacted him drastically. He's always shrugged it off. Now, he tells me that OW and therapist have told him that very same thing. So, you have "me" who's been suggesting this to him for at least 5 years, probably more - and "my" theories have no bearing on him. Now someone else tells him the very same thing.
Sometimes I wonder, does he view me as some kind of "mother" figure? He'll ask for my advice and when I give it, disregard it. And yet, if my advice, suggestions, opinions - whatever, turn out to be accurate, then he says "NM, you're always right". But he says it in a BAD way. Like he HATES the fact that "HE" was wrong and "I" was right. (I'm having a difficult time explaining this.) He doesn't like to be wrong - ever, about anything. And he likes it even less when I turn out to be right. And because I can sense that, sometimes I just keep my opinions/advice to myself. He's an adult, I don't want treat him like one of my children, but sometimes that's how it feels. And I don't want to be viewed "that" way by him. I hope I'm making some sense here.
Again - the drug use. Since we talked about how I feel he's addicted, plus the mixing in of the Valium - he has not taken anymore. He's also backed off taking so many of the painkillers (been watching the bottle). Of course, I'm glad he's not taking them. And I'm glad he listened to me, don't take it the wrong way. But I think it makes him feel kind of inferior to me. And like a stubborn, rebellious child, he'll do the opposite of what he knows is right just to prove me wrong. And yes, this way of thinking is NOT the normal way an adult should think. But, then again, he's got some of kind of personality disorder, so it's one damned vicious circle.
Quote:
I love it when OT pops in, she has a such a way of summing things up that a wordy person like myself can never do! That post, in and of itself, really is the essence of it all. Perfect.
Hi, Rob. Me, too! OT's my hero!
And thanks for checking in w/ me. Whenever I see your comments, I always picture you snorting those twizzlers out of your nose a couple of months back. Great visual. LMAO
Quote:
I hope things even out for you soon. What an incredibly rough patch! It sounds as though your conversation with SO was actually very good. And, BTW, I don't think that there is anything anti-DB about reporting what is going on with you directly.
The thing to avoid is sharing feelings when it is all about trying to get WAS to respond in a particular way. Crying to get WAS to "get it" or feel guilty, declaring true love over and over again, trying to get WAS to repent and rescue the LBS. In fewer words, it is the needy, grovelling, pushy sharing of feelings in which the LBS still feels entitled to having WAS have the feelings the LBS wants the WAS to have that is problematic. (Oh well, not fewer words, lol.)
OT - thank you. The one thing I am very guilty of is never wanting to look like an a$$hole - to anyone, not just SO. My own personal fear is being viewed as weak; letting someone know they've hurt me. So I will allow myself to be seen as angry when actually deeply hurt; viewed as a b!tch when it's really shyness; being funny when inside I'm sad.
I will go to great lengths to hide my inner feelings when I think it's going to show weakness on my part. It's taken me a long time to be able to understand that about myself. I have been trying to overcome that. Unfortunately, this whole thing with SO has been the catalyst in discovering that about myself. So, sometimes I can't always change what I know about myself because I don't think it's conducive to the situation. So, in my case, I think I'm more of the opposite. I don't threaten or issue ultimatums; I don't try to push someone to do something they don't want to do. I don't try to push myself on SO. But I have begun to feel very tired of keeping what I feel inside.
There was an episode of Seinfeld that I always think of. The one where Kramer answers the movie phone. George keeps pushing buttons and Kramer can't decipher what movie he's talking about. So Kramer says: "why don't you just tell me what movie you want to see."
When SO is relentlessly questioning me & my feelings (or vice versa), I always run that line through my head. "WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT." The two of us have had such difficult communication problems thoughtout our entire R (look where it's gotten us); each of us veiling our true feelings to the other, that anymore I just try to find a way to say what I have to say clearly and directly. Without any expectations; without trying to lay guilt; without trying to push for what "I" want. And it's really not very easy for me. Especially since I do know a lot of SO's triggers; I know how to lay guilt and I know how to coerce him into getting what I want (about certain things, anyway.)
I don't know what's best for this situation. Staying, leaving. Factor in SO's debilitating fear of abandonment and inability to make decisions regarding personal relationships... If I leave him, is that just compunding the abandonment issue? He's not forcing me move out now. Instead he wants ME to make the decision as to whether to stay or go. And I think that if I make the decision, isn't that kind of enabling him? Or rather, if I move out, then he once again gets off the hook about making his own decisions and postpones facing his problems.
I know, I know - OT, I can hear you now - I need to make decisions about MY life and the kids lives without worrying about SO. I just don't know which decision is the best. At this point, I am so damned confused about everything. I can wake up each morning and can always find new hope to carry on. But should I? I soemtimes HATE the hope that I find; hate my optimism. I sometimes wish that I just didn't give a damn. I wish that I could shut my mind off and stop seeing all different sides to the story because it only confuses me. I wish I could just stop being so understanding. Stop understanding that I know this isn't all about me. Stop understanding that SO's issues are varied and deep and he may FINALLY face those issues. Like that bald woman said several years ago "stop the madness!!" LOL
Oh, and BTW, SO & OW are back in touch with each other. And, he's supposed to have court tomorrow, re: stalking, harrassment & restraining order. As far as I'm aware, I believe that any contact OW has with him should negate those charges. But, her mother is also listed in the paperwork. And I don't think Mommy knows that her daughter is back in touch with SO.
And, I must admit, the devious part of me would really love to see OW get herself arrested for violating her own RO.
It will be interesting to see how this plays out.
First - I didn't realize that Crohn's disease was being considered as a diagnosis. If he has chronic abdominal pain, he should definitely be tried on a gluten-free diet:
Ellie,
Yes, the last time he was in the hospital (in January 07 for the abdominal pain & infection) the doctors told him that Crohn's is considered; they also told him from the little they know, that since he keeps having infections/flare-ups so often, he will most likely need surgery to remove a part of his intestine. However, they need to do the colonoscopy. Since his hospital stays last summer, he has postponed each appointment due to one drama or another (root canal, snowy weather, suicide threat, then car accident)....they can't make any diagnosis until he has that done, at the very least. To my knowledge, he has yet to reschedule another one.....
Quote:
Of course, right now he may have abdominal pains any time he withdraws from the pain pills, since narcotics addicts have a lot of cramping and pain when they go through withdrawal
This is good info to have, I didn't know that. And thank you for the link to the gluten free diet. I did read a little of it, haven't passed it on to SO as of yet. He tends to shrug everything off....which leads me to this:
Quote:
I don't blame you for being fed up. If you can do anything to get him clean, though - even if you plan to leave - it will be better for your kids to have a sober dad.
I don't know. I don't think "I" can do that. I grew up with an alcoholic father who lived by the bottle and indirectly died by the bottle (shot & killed by a drinking buddy in a murder/suicide)...In the 17 years I lived at home with him, the one thing I learned is you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. The whole leading the horse to water thing. I can't force SO to get help - of any kind. Whether it is for his medical conditions, mental conditions - whatever. I've witnessed over & over again. He'll ask me for my opinion, and when I tell him, if it doesn't agree with his opinion, he disregards it. And yet, someone else can give him the very same information that I do, and he'll listen to them.
And this example just recently came up when him & I were discussing his session with the therapist. I've known there was something "not right" with his mind for awhile and knowing his childhood (mother leaving at age 8, finding out he was the product of his mothers affair with her boss) - I've always stated to him that those negative incidents impacted him drastically. He's always shrugged it off. Now, he tells me that OW and therapist have told him that very same thing. So, you have "me" who's been suggesting this to him for at least 5 years, probably more - and "my" theories have no bearing on him. Now someone else tells him the very same thing.
Sometimes I wonder, does he view me as some kind of "mother" figure? He'll ask for my advice and when I give it, disregard it. And yet, if my advice, suggestions, opinions - whatever, turn out to be accurate, then he says "NM, you're always right". But he says it in a BAD way. Like he HATES the fact that "HE" was wrong and "I" was right. (I'm having a difficult time explaining this.) He doesn't like to be wrong - ever, about anything. And he likes it even less when I turn out to be right. And because I can sense that, sometimes I just keep my opinions/advice to myself. He's an adult, I don't want treat him like one of my children, but sometimes that's how it feels. And I don't want to be viewed "that" way by him. I hope I'm making some sense here.
Again - the drug use. Since we talked about how I feel he's addicted, plus the mixing in of the Valium - he has not taken anymore. He's also backed off taking so many of the painkillers (been watching the bottle). Of course, I'm glad he's not taking them. And I'm glad he listened to me, don't take it the wrong way. But I think it makes him feel kind of inferior to me. And like a stubborn, rebellious child, he'll do the opposite of what he knows is right just to prove me wrong. And yes, this way of thinking is NOT the normal way an adult should think. But, then again, he's got some of kind of personality disorder, so it's one damned vicious circle.
Quote:
I love it when OT pops in, she has a such a way of summing things up that a wordy person like myself can never do! That post, in and of itself, really is the essence of it all. Perfect.
Hi, Rob. Me, too! OT's my hero!
And thanks for checking in w/ me. Whenever I see your comments, I always picture you snorting those twizzlers out of your nose a couple of months back. Great visual. LMAO
Quote:
I hope things even out for you soon. What an incredibly rough patch! It sounds as though your conversation with SO was actually very good. And, BTW, I don't think that there is anything anti-DB about reporting what is going on with you directly.
The thing to avoid is sharing feelings when it is all about trying to get WAS to respond in a particular way. Crying to get WAS to "get it" or feel guilty, declaring true love over and over again, trying to get WAS to repent and rescue the LBS. In fewer words, it is the needy, grovelling, pushy sharing of feelings in which the LBS still feels entitled to having WAS have the feelings the LBS wants the WAS to have that is problematic. (Oh well, not fewer words, lol.)
OT - thank you. The one thing I am very guilty of is never wanting to look like an a$$hole - to anyone, not just SO. My own personal fear is being viewed as weak; letting someone know they've hurt me. So I will allow myself to be seen as angry when actually deeply hurt; viewed as a b!tch when it's really shyness; being funny when inside I'm sad.
I will go to great lengths to hide my inner feelings when I think it's going to show weakness on my part. It's taken me a long time to be able to understand that about myself. I have been trying to overcome that. Unfortunately, this whole thing with SO has been the catalyst in discovering that about myself. So, sometimes I can't always change what I know about myself because I don't think it's conducive to the situation. So, in my case, I think I'm more of the opposite. I don't threaten or issue ultimatums; I don't try to push someone to do something they don't want to do. I don't try to push myself on SO. But I have begun to feel very tired of keeping what I feel inside.
There was an episode of Seinfeld that I always think of. The one where Kramer answers the movie phone. George keeps pushing buttons and Kramer can't decipher what movie he's talking about. So Kramer says: "why don't you just tell me what movie you want to see."
When SO is relentlessly questioning me & my feelings (or vice versa), I always run that line through my head. "WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT." The two of us have had such difficult communication problems thoughtout our entire R (look where it's gotten us); each of us veiling our true feelings to the other, that anymore I just try to find a way to say what I have to say clearly and directly. Without any expectations; without trying to lay guilt; without trying to push for what "I" want. And it's really not very easy for me. Especially since I do know a lot of SO's triggers; I know how to lay guilt and I know how to coerce him into getting what I want (about certain things, anyway.)
I don't know what's best for this situation. Staying, leaving. Factor in SO's debilitating fear of abandonment and inability to make decisions regarding personal relationships... If I leave him, is that just compunding the abandonment issue? He's not forcing me move out now. Instead he wants ME to make the decision as to whether to stay or go. And I think that if I make the decision, isn't that kind of enabling him? Or rather, if I move out, then he once again gets off the hook about making his own decisions and postpones facing his problems.
I know, I know - OT, I can hear you now - I need to make decisions about MY life and the kids lives without worrying about SO. I just don't know which decision is the best. At this point, I am so damned confused about everything. I can wake up each morning and can always find new hope to carry on. But should I? I soemtimes HATE the hope that I find; hate my optimism. I sometimes wish that I just didn't give a damn. I wish that I could shut my mind off and stop seeing all different sides to the story because it only confuses me. I wish I could just stop being so understanding. Stop understanding that I know this isn't all about me. Stop understanding that SO's issues are varied and deep and he may FINALLY face those issues. Like that bald woman said several years ago "stop the madness!!" LOL
Oh, and BTW, SO & OW are back in touch with each other. And, he's supposed to have court tomorrow, re: stalking, harrassment & restraining order. As far as I'm aware, I believe that any contact OW has with him should negate those charges. But, her mother is also listed in the paperwork. And I don't think Mommy knows that her daughter is back in touch with SO.
And, I must admit, the devious part of me would really love to see OW get herself arrested for violating her own RO.
It will be interesting to see how this plays out.
2/21/07
On 2/6, we had the whole suicide threat thing.... SO says it wasn't all about OW. But her ending things with him was the icing (on the cake he's been eating?).
Anyway.....the vicodin / percoset addiction he's gotten to....and, YES! I vehemently believe it IS an addiction as from what I've found out, this stems back at least 3-4 years - due to the ever increasing pain in his abdomen due to Crohn's Disease, diverticulitis -whatever it is not yet determined by a doctor. His colonoscopy appointments keep getting rescheduled due to one drama or another....but, until he has that medical issue narrowed down, he will have the severe pain in his stomach, thus relying heavily on the painkillers.
More recently, particularly these last 3 months since I moved back in and OW
issued her ultimatum, I found out that he is now taking Valium, given to him by a "friend". This "friend" is a woman, older than me, married to an incredibly wealthy man 20 years her senior. This "friend" is wack job. She is so lost in her own way, has mental issues of her own (bi-polar); and relies heavily on prescriptions to get through her days...she thinks that by spending money on people or giving them things, she can buy their friendship - or at least that's how it appears to me.
On the Friday after his accident, SO asked me to come to the hospital - at 4:30 in the afternoon, 2 hours away. I didn't really have a problem with that - he sounded depressed. His mom & I went. When we got there, they decided to change his room. His room-mate had been discharged and they moved SO to make room for a female patient. While moving his things, I opened the dresser drawer and found a f**king pill laying in there. Now I don't know pills by sight, but I "KNEW" that it wasn't something good; and knowing that the "friend" had been to visit him earlier in the day, I kind of knew where it came from and what I suspected it to be (Valium).
I was irate. I looked at him, he saw the look on my face and then started questioning where the dresser was. I said the dresser is fine and that I had what was in it. Then he started with the BS - it's my Lexapro, I'm supposed to take it at night - they gave it to me in the morning - so I put it away until night time. I said "Bullshit. This is ridiculous. I cannot believe that "friend" had the audacity to give you a frigging valium while you are laying here in the hospital with narcotics dripping through your veins."
I ended up giving the pill back to him with the words - "You're a big boy; if you want to kill yourself, then do it here. I'm through with this crap, you make your own choices and I don't want to have anything to do with it." With that, I walked out. His mother followed me and I told her that I would not go back in to see him. If she wanted to, that was fine, I would wait downstairs but I refused to go back in. She said, "No, let's go.", so we left - with no word to SO.
On the drive home, SO texted me, telling me I acted like an asshole and it was his Lexapro I found. I showed his mom the text and never responded to him. Then he started calling....after about 10 calls, I turned the ringer off. I couldn't speak with him right then - I didn't want to. I decided that when I got home, I would look at both the Lexapro and the Valiuim that was at the house, figure out if it was either of them, then go from there. I have a pretty good photographic memory, plus I had his mother write down the numbers on the pill just in case I forgot them before I got home. In the meantime - I was NOT going to talk to him before I found out which pill it was.
And, sure as the sun rises, the damn tihng turned out to be a Valium. And, from what I read, you're not supposed to mix them with painkillers; muscle relaxants; certain anti-depressants; nor antacids. HE TAKES ALL FOUR OF THESE THINGS!!!!! He was on Dilaudin at the hospital, plus a muscle relaxant that I think was called Flexarol or something, plus the Lexapro, and Prilosec for Pete's sake!! What a jackass.
The next morning he called - never saying a word about the night before, just that he was being released and could I come get him. I said OK. When we got there, I could tell he had taken the valium the night before - I've seen him take them before and it makes him catatonic - exactly how we found him that morning. The nurses came in to give him the instructions for home care, telling him to keep the collar on his neck, not to drive - he started acting rebellious with "I have to work, I have to drive - I don't need the collar, blah, blah." Right in front of the nurse I told him to keep his mouth shut, that "I" needed to know what was going to happen to him if he took the collar off and fell to the floor paralyzed. That shut him up.
When the nurse left, SO's mom followed her. I presume she told the nurse about the valium, because the nurse came back in and while she didn't say anything exact, she alluded to the fact that she knew he was taking them and gave him a pretty brusque talking to. That also kind of put him in his place.
On the drive back home, he then brought the subject up. I told him I wasn't going to argue with him about it. I said that he's almost 34 years old and he's old enough to make his own decisions and that while I was disappointed in what he did, it was none of my business, which is why I had given him the pill back instead of reporting it to the nurse.
Since he's been home, I see that he has taken only 1 of the 4 valiums that were here...and I don't think that he has any hidden stashes of them.
So that is the drug use that I'm concerned about. Heavy addiction to painkillers, now relying on Valium, mixed with everything else.
He asked me again last night about it and I told him that I did feel he was addicted. He didn't really say anything. I told him he wasn't like someone in back alley smoking crack, and that I understand the physical pain in his abdomen, but that still doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem with taking too many and combining things that shouldn't be combined. Again, no real answer or comments from him.
Somehow we also got on the subject of me moving out; OW, etc. I told him I wanted him to give me half the tax return he's getting and I was giving that cash to someone to hold for me for when I feel the need to move out. He then accused me of trying to make him more crazy. I said "I don't know what to do. I don't know if staying here helps you or hinders you." I said now that you're getting help - then he cut me off with "I will never be helped, there is no helping someone who suffers what I have." So I said to him, "Then why bother to continue with your appointments if that's how you feel?" No answer. Then I said, "SO, I know this is all new territory; I know you're hurt by the OW thing, me, the kids, work, everything. I know that you may think that you have tried everything you can think of and maybe you have, but going to the doctor, that's what they are trained to do - find answers, find ideas that you have not thought of." I said "The doctor can probably come up with other ideas that you or I or whomever has not thought of." No response to that, however I did see him contemplating what I said and realizing I just "may" be right. LOL
He asked why I still wanted the money to move out. I really didn't want to get into it, but he kept pressing. Finally, I said, "The truth is, I don't know how much longer I can go on living with you in a non-relationship. That's what it basically comes down to. If you're not going get yourself help; if you're going to continue to rely on others - i.e. "drug-dealer friend; other women - then I can't watch that much longer. It's not good for me or the kids."
I can't remember all of the convo...but something came up about his profile online in which he had this really pathetic, icky bunch of lines directed to OW, including "I love you OW". I told him I saw it and that I could not lay in bed with him each night; have him leaning on me; good, old trusty NM, always there, always reliable. I said I felt used. I said that I knew that I was letting myself be used, and for certain things I didn't mind, but that others things just weren't acceptable to me any more. I also told him, as a friend - that having stuff like that out there made him look very pathetic, desperate, and needy. I gave some kind of example about it, and said the person who breaks up with you is not going to come back to you because you're all clingy and desperate and pathetic; that as a general rule, the ex will not find that attractive.
I know, some of this was probably not good DBing, but I am about through with it all. It's been 3-4 years of dissension between us and I believe my tolerance level has been met. I gave him the advice about his profile as a friend. (And sure as shit, he went and changed it later to something very generic.) It was hard knowing that he would probably take that advice from me (change his profile), but, I didn't like the thought of people thinking of him in that negative way. Does that make any sense?
I don't know, maybe I'm still too enmeshed. Well, duh, of course I am. But that detachment thing does come in handy in those instances when he does start talking about his hurt about OW and what "she" did to "him". And for me to sit there and listen to this, knowing everything that he did (lying to her, cheating on her, etc), to hear him explain how devastated he is that they aren't together anymore - well let me tell you all, it's excruciating at times and I'm thankful that I can disassociate myself from my hurt feelings and sit through it like a friend would and offer the advice that a friend would. And yet, even after saying those things about OW, he'll admit to not being ready to let ME go; not knowing what he wants with me. He's told me many times that the thought of me moving out again puts him in a state of sheer panic and his fears of abandonment and loss come crashing in on him. Again, I try to keep my own personal, biased feelings aside and offer advice the best I can, including encouraging him to continue with the therapist.
Ok...that's all I've got time for right now. I actually started writing this on Monday...didn't get much time to finish up what I had started until now.
Anyway.....the vicodin / percoset addiction he's gotten to....and, YES! I vehemently believe it IS an addiction as from what I've found out, this stems back at least 3-4 years - due to the ever increasing pain in his abdomen due to Crohn's Disease, diverticulitis -whatever it is not yet determined by a doctor. His colonoscopy appointments keep getting rescheduled due to one drama or another....but, until he has that medical issue narrowed down, he will have the severe pain in his stomach, thus relying heavily on the painkillers.
More recently, particularly these last 3 months since I moved back in and OW
issued her ultimatum, I found out that he is now taking Valium, given to him by a "friend". This "friend" is a woman, older than me, married to an incredibly wealthy man 20 years her senior. This "friend" is wack job. She is so lost in her own way, has mental issues of her own (bi-polar); and relies heavily on prescriptions to get through her days...she thinks that by spending money on people or giving them things, she can buy their friendship - or at least that's how it appears to me.
On the Friday after his accident, SO asked me to come to the hospital - at 4:30 in the afternoon, 2 hours away. I didn't really have a problem with that - he sounded depressed. His mom & I went. When we got there, they decided to change his room. His room-mate had been discharged and they moved SO to make room for a female patient. While moving his things, I opened the dresser drawer and found a f**king pill laying in there. Now I don't know pills by sight, but I "KNEW" that it wasn't something good; and knowing that the "friend" had been to visit him earlier in the day, I kind of knew where it came from and what I suspected it to be (Valium).
I was irate. I looked at him, he saw the look on my face and then started questioning where the dresser was. I said the dresser is fine and that I had what was in it. Then he started with the BS - it's my Lexapro, I'm supposed to take it at night - they gave it to me in the morning - so I put it away until night time. I said "Bullshit. This is ridiculous. I cannot believe that "friend" had the audacity to give you a frigging valium while you are laying here in the hospital with narcotics dripping through your veins."
I ended up giving the pill back to him with the words - "You're a big boy; if you want to kill yourself, then do it here. I'm through with this crap, you make your own choices and I don't want to have anything to do with it." With that, I walked out. His mother followed me and I told her that I would not go back in to see him. If she wanted to, that was fine, I would wait downstairs but I refused to go back in. She said, "No, let's go.", so we left - with no word to SO.
On the drive home, SO texted me, telling me I acted like an asshole and it was his Lexapro I found. I showed his mom the text and never responded to him. Then he started calling....after about 10 calls, I turned the ringer off. I couldn't speak with him right then - I didn't want to. I decided that when I got home, I would look at both the Lexapro and the Valiuim that was at the house, figure out if it was either of them, then go from there. I have a pretty good photographic memory, plus I had his mother write down the numbers on the pill just in case I forgot them before I got home. In the meantime - I was NOT going to talk to him before I found out which pill it was.
And, sure as the sun rises, the damn tihng turned out to be a Valium. And, from what I read, you're not supposed to mix them with painkillers; muscle relaxants; certain anti-depressants; nor antacids. HE TAKES ALL FOUR OF THESE THINGS!!!!! He was on Dilaudin at the hospital, plus a muscle relaxant that I think was called Flexarol or something, plus the Lexapro, and Prilosec for Pete's sake!! What a jackass.
The next morning he called - never saying a word about the night before, just that he was being released and could I come get him. I said OK. When we got there, I could tell he had taken the valium the night before - I've seen him take them before and it makes him catatonic - exactly how we found him that morning. The nurses came in to give him the instructions for home care, telling him to keep the collar on his neck, not to drive - he started acting rebellious with "I have to work, I have to drive - I don't need the collar, blah, blah." Right in front of the nurse I told him to keep his mouth shut, that "I" needed to know what was going to happen to him if he took the collar off and fell to the floor paralyzed. That shut him up.
When the nurse left, SO's mom followed her. I presume she told the nurse about the valium, because the nurse came back in and while she didn't say anything exact, she alluded to the fact that she knew he was taking them and gave him a pretty brusque talking to. That also kind of put him in his place.
On the drive back home, he then brought the subject up. I told him I wasn't going to argue with him about it. I said that he's almost 34 years old and he's old enough to make his own decisions and that while I was disappointed in what he did, it was none of my business, which is why I had given him the pill back instead of reporting it to the nurse.
Since he's been home, I see that he has taken only 1 of the 4 valiums that were here...and I don't think that he has any hidden stashes of them.
So that is the drug use that I'm concerned about. Heavy addiction to painkillers, now relying on Valium, mixed with everything else.
He asked me again last night about it and I told him that I did feel he was addicted. He didn't really say anything. I told him he wasn't like someone in back alley smoking crack, and that I understand the physical pain in his abdomen, but that still doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem with taking too many and combining things that shouldn't be combined. Again, no real answer or comments from him.
Somehow we also got on the subject of me moving out; OW, etc. I told him I wanted him to give me half the tax return he's getting and I was giving that cash to someone to hold for me for when I feel the need to move out. He then accused me of trying to make him more crazy. I said "I don't know what to do. I don't know if staying here helps you or hinders you." I said now that you're getting help - then he cut me off with "I will never be helped, there is no helping someone who suffers what I have." So I said to him, "Then why bother to continue with your appointments if that's how you feel?" No answer. Then I said, "SO, I know this is all new territory; I know you're hurt by the OW thing, me, the kids, work, everything. I know that you may think that you have tried everything you can think of and maybe you have, but going to the doctor, that's what they are trained to do - find answers, find ideas that you have not thought of." I said "The doctor can probably come up with other ideas that you or I or whomever has not thought of." No response to that, however I did see him contemplating what I said and realizing I just "may" be right. LOL
He asked why I still wanted the money to move out. I really didn't want to get into it, but he kept pressing. Finally, I said, "The truth is, I don't know how much longer I can go on living with you in a non-relationship. That's what it basically comes down to. If you're not going get yourself help; if you're going to continue to rely on others - i.e. "drug-dealer friend; other women - then I can't watch that much longer. It's not good for me or the kids."
I can't remember all of the convo...but something came up about his profile online in which he had this really pathetic, icky bunch of lines directed to OW, including "I love you OW". I told him I saw it and that I could not lay in bed with him each night; have him leaning on me; good, old trusty NM, always there, always reliable. I said I felt used. I said that I knew that I was letting myself be used, and for certain things I didn't mind, but that others things just weren't acceptable to me any more. I also told him, as a friend - that having stuff like that out there made him look very pathetic, desperate, and needy. I gave some kind of example about it, and said the person who breaks up with you is not going to come back to you because you're all clingy and desperate and pathetic; that as a general rule, the ex will not find that attractive.
I know, some of this was probably not good DBing, but I am about through with it all. It's been 3-4 years of dissension between us and I believe my tolerance level has been met. I gave him the advice about his profile as a friend. (And sure as shit, he went and changed it later to something very generic.) It was hard knowing that he would probably take that advice from me (change his profile), but, I didn't like the thought of people thinking of him in that negative way. Does that make any sense?
I don't know, maybe I'm still too enmeshed. Well, duh, of course I am. But that detachment thing does come in handy in those instances when he does start talking about his hurt about OW and what "she" did to "him". And for me to sit there and listen to this, knowing everything that he did (lying to her, cheating on her, etc), to hear him explain how devastated he is that they aren't together anymore - well let me tell you all, it's excruciating at times and I'm thankful that I can disassociate myself from my hurt feelings and sit through it like a friend would and offer the advice that a friend would. And yet, even after saying those things about OW, he'll admit to not being ready to let ME go; not knowing what he wants with me. He's told me many times that the thought of me moving out again puts him in a state of sheer panic and his fears of abandonment and loss come crashing in on him. Again, I try to keep my own personal, biased feelings aside and offer advice the best I can, including encouraging him to continue with the therapist.
Ok...that's all I've got time for right now. I actually started writing this on Monday...didn't get much time to finish up what I had started until now.
2/19/07
Hello All,
If it weren't for bad luck....Tuesday, 2/13, I awoke to a phone call at 5:45 AM from SO's boss asking where he was...within a few minutes and numerous phone calls to police, etc, we found out he was in a severe car accident on his way to work and was being air-lifted to a trauma center about 2 hours from here. What a scary morning....when I called the trauma center, he hadn't even arrived yet...was still in the air, that freaked me out.
After some frantic phone calls with his mother, father, my mother - to get them here to our house, the trauma doctor called me saying SO had arrived, he was conscious, did I want to speak with him. I spoke with him for a second or two, then the doctor got back on the phone saying they had to take him for tests - MRI's, Cat scans, etc. Me, his mom, & dad, headed out the door for the excruciatingly long two hour drive to the hospital...not knowing whether we would find him dead or alive when we got there. I know - I had spoken with him, HE had in fact given the doctor my full name and our phone number, but I've also known people to talk while having severe internal injuries...all I could think was that this was God's way of punishing him for the crap the week before. I really thought he was going to be dead when we got to the hospital.
As it turns out, he's incredibly lucky. No broken bones, no internal injuries, no head trauma - not even one stitch. He was pinned in the truck upside down for about an hour in 2 degree weather before they could get him out and he has some major bruising to his legs where they were squished beneath the dash & steering wheel; his head was tossed about and he has bruising on his vertebrae resulting in the need for him to wear a cervical collar, but all in all, he pretty much came out of this wreck unscathed when it could have been much, much worse. When I went to see the truck, I couldn't believe anyone could have lived through it. And, yes - he's fanatical about wearing his seat belt at all times, thank goodness.
Tuesday in the ER, he asked me to stay with him, which I did. I ended up being stranded at the hospital for 2 nights due to the storm that came through (yuck - no shower for 2 days, sleeping in a chair - let me tell you, the thought of throwing myself down a flight of stairs just so I could get my own bed & bathroom crossed my mind more than once, lmao )... He was released from the hospital on Saturday and is home now; actually doing very well.
There's more to the story...but, my time this morning is limited. I just needed to get this out. Yes, Ellie including his heavy use of prescription painkillers; plus he talked more with me about his session with the psychologist before the accident. I'll have to come back at a later time and fill in those details.
I don't think there's anything left to happen in my crazy world.
If it weren't for bad luck....Tuesday, 2/13, I awoke to a phone call at 5:45 AM from SO's boss asking where he was...within a few minutes and numerous phone calls to police, etc, we found out he was in a severe car accident on his way to work and was being air-lifted to a trauma center about 2 hours from here. What a scary morning....when I called the trauma center, he hadn't even arrived yet...was still in the air, that freaked me out.
After some frantic phone calls with his mother, father, my mother - to get them here to our house, the trauma doctor called me saying SO had arrived, he was conscious, did I want to speak with him. I spoke with him for a second or two, then the doctor got back on the phone saying they had to take him for tests - MRI's, Cat scans, etc. Me, his mom, & dad, headed out the door for the excruciatingly long two hour drive to the hospital...not knowing whether we would find him dead or alive when we got there. I know - I had spoken with him, HE had in fact given the doctor my full name and our phone number, but I've also known people to talk while having severe internal injuries...all I could think was that this was God's way of punishing him for the crap the week before. I really thought he was going to be dead when we got to the hospital.
As it turns out, he's incredibly lucky. No broken bones, no internal injuries, no head trauma - not even one stitch. He was pinned in the truck upside down for about an hour in 2 degree weather before they could get him out and he has some major bruising to his legs where they were squished beneath the dash & steering wheel; his head was tossed about and he has bruising on his vertebrae resulting in the need for him to wear a cervical collar, but all in all, he pretty much came out of this wreck unscathed when it could have been much, much worse. When I went to see the truck, I couldn't believe anyone could have lived through it. And, yes - he's fanatical about wearing his seat belt at all times, thank goodness.
Tuesday in the ER, he asked me to stay with him, which I did. I ended up being stranded at the hospital for 2 nights due to the storm that came through (yuck - no shower for 2 days, sleeping in a chair - let me tell you, the thought of throwing myself down a flight of stairs just so I could get my own bed & bathroom crossed my mind more than once, lmao )... He was released from the hospital on Saturday and is home now; actually doing very well.
There's more to the story...but, my time this morning is limited. I just needed to get this out. Yes, Ellie including his heavy use of prescription painkillers; plus he talked more with me about his session with the psychologist before the accident. I'll have to come back at a later time and fill in those details.
I don't think there's anything left to happen in my crazy world.
2/12/07
What a stressful week. Where'd I leave off...oh yeah, the cops took him to the psych ward. The hospital called me and said that he was willingly admitting himself and that he wouldn't be there long. His mother went there the next day (Wednesday)....he called numerous times during the day...then said he was getting out that day. From what I've found out, his release was conditional upon him making appointments with a therapist, which he has. I believe that if he misses the appointments, they will put him back in the hospital. His first appointment is scheduled for today.
Then, on top of that, the OW has filed charges against him. Thursday the cops called here and said there was a warrant for his arrest and he had to turn himself in, which he did that afternoon. She got a restraining order against him and there's 2 different charges, stalking and harassment, I believe. Fine mess he's got himself into.
Over the weekend, he had his usual bar gigs, including one here in our town Saturday night. He asked me to go with him. I had asked his mother to watch the girls so I could have some time off and was going to stay at my sisters, but decided to come back because his request was odd. So, I went with him. Some other friends of his were there as well. When we got home, he thanked me profusely for going with him - telling me he really needed me with him. (Not sure why, he was working and we didn't really hang out or anything)..but then he started opening a little to me. Some info about OW, then he showed me an email from the ex-girlfriend (from before me) that says while although she's married, she thinks of him often and "what if" she hadn't gotten married. Jeeze Louise, more fuel on the fire.
I know SO's problems are a lot more than "simply" OW...it's a complicated mess of financial issues, mental issues; health issues; kids,, family, work; me...etc. This isn't just about "her" - although right now his mind is manifested on that "one" thing and blowing it up out of proportion and it's what he's fixated on. It's the way his mind works - it doesn't matter what his "real" feelings are - it's more that she told him "no" and now his mind focuses on that. I hope I explained that the right way.
The talk we had was a very good one, I felt. He opened up a lot about a lot of things. I'm trying to just be a friend right now....sometimes I really can DETACH from it all, put my personal feelings aside and try to be a good friend because this is about HIM right now and not our relationship or it's outcome. Well, I guess in a way, that's part of it, but, it's not the crisis point right now. Getting him help is the first objective. It's hard, you can lead the horse to water, but you can't make him drink. My hope is that he's honest with the therapist and not just going to coast through this because it's "required" to keep him out of the hospital.
And, honestly, it does take it's toll on me. I was real worried about him yesterday. He was very, well, lethargic is the best word I can think of. It probably has a lot to do with the pills he's on, but, I have to wonder if being THAT sedated is a good thing.
One day at a time.
Then, on top of that, the OW has filed charges against him. Thursday the cops called here and said there was a warrant for his arrest and he had to turn himself in, which he did that afternoon. She got a restraining order against him and there's 2 different charges, stalking and harassment, I believe. Fine mess he's got himself into.
Over the weekend, he had his usual bar gigs, including one here in our town Saturday night. He asked me to go with him. I had asked his mother to watch the girls so I could have some time off and was going to stay at my sisters, but decided to come back because his request was odd. So, I went with him. Some other friends of his were there as well. When we got home, he thanked me profusely for going with him - telling me he really needed me with him. (Not sure why, he was working and we didn't really hang out or anything)..but then he started opening a little to me. Some info about OW, then he showed me an email from the ex-girlfriend (from before me) that says while although she's married, she thinks of him often and "what if" she hadn't gotten married. Jeeze Louise, more fuel on the fire.
I know SO's problems are a lot more than "simply" OW...it's a complicated mess of financial issues, mental issues; health issues; kids,, family, work; me...etc. This isn't just about "her" - although right now his mind is manifested on that "one" thing and blowing it up out of proportion and it's what he's fixated on. It's the way his mind works - it doesn't matter what his "real" feelings are - it's more that she told him "no" and now his mind focuses on that. I hope I explained that the right way.
The talk we had was a very good one, I felt. He opened up a lot about a lot of things. I'm trying to just be a friend right now....sometimes I really can DETACH from it all, put my personal feelings aside and try to be a good friend because this is about HIM right now and not our relationship or it's outcome. Well, I guess in a way, that's part of it, but, it's not the crisis point right now. Getting him help is the first objective. It's hard, you can lead the horse to water, but you can't make him drink. My hope is that he's honest with the therapist and not just going to coast through this because it's "required" to keep him out of the hospital.
And, honestly, it does take it's toll on me. I was real worried about him yesterday. He was very, well, lethargic is the best word I can think of. It probably has a lot to do with the pills he's on, but, I have to wonder if being THAT sedated is a good thing.
One day at a time.
From 2/8/07
...of course, there's so much more to the story, but due to network time constraints, lol, I needed to give the abbreviated version.
Well, his mom just called from the hospital and he won't stay there. So, once the doctor releases him she's bringing him here to get some things and then taking him to her house. His father is also on the way to make sure everything stays calm while he gets his things.
I'm so distraught, I guess is the word. I can't help but wonder just how much of this is really my fault. Intellectually I know that it's HIS problems that led to this, but just how much has my presence (?) caused all of this. I feel like running away...just leaving. But I can't. Not financially. Plus the kids...school, etc. I can't just take off - it's simply not realistic. But how much more damage is going to occur because I am here when SO doesn't know if he wants me here? And does thinking this way make me selfish? How come I feel so bad about all of this? How come I feel like the guilty party? I don't understand. The problems he has are so much deeper than I can deal with. Or anyone except a professional can deal with.
I feel guilty telling people what's going on. Like his parents. I know it will infuriate SO when he finds out they know his dirty secrets. But I can't keep it inside anymore. The craziness; the manipulations; the lies. I love him enough to walk away. Does that make sense? But there's the financial part of it. THERE'S NO MONEY!!! And that's a such big part of this mess. He feels stuck with me....he's got work his a$$ off to pay for everything.....he despises me because he can't get rid of me; yet he's not entirely sure that me leaving is what he truly wants either. He doesn't know what he wants. And if he truly has a personality disorder, which I believe he does, the whole thing gets so much more complicated.
I hate this so bad. He just called and was nice as pie. I have no idea what to do and can't help thinking how much worse I make things by not knowing what to do.
Well, his mom just called from the hospital and he won't stay there. So, once the doctor releases him she's bringing him here to get some things and then taking him to her house. His father is also on the way to make sure everything stays calm while he gets his things.
I'm so distraught, I guess is the word. I can't help but wonder just how much of this is really my fault. Intellectually I know that it's HIS problems that led to this, but just how much has my presence (?) caused all of this. I feel like running away...just leaving. But I can't. Not financially. Plus the kids...school, etc. I can't just take off - it's simply not realistic. But how much more damage is going to occur because I am here when SO doesn't know if he wants me here? And does thinking this way make me selfish? How come I feel so bad about all of this? How come I feel like the guilty party? I don't understand. The problems he has are so much deeper than I can deal with. Or anyone except a professional can deal with.
I feel guilty telling people what's going on. Like his parents. I know it will infuriate SO when he finds out they know his dirty secrets. But I can't keep it inside anymore. The craziness; the manipulations; the lies. I love him enough to walk away. Does that make sense? But there's the financial part of it. THERE'S NO MONEY!!! And that's a such big part of this mess. He feels stuck with me....he's got work his a$$ off to pay for everything.....he despises me because he can't get rid of me; yet he's not entirely sure that me leaving is what he truly wants either. He doesn't know what he wants. And if he truly has a personality disorder, which I believe he does, the whole thing gets so much more complicated.
I hate this so bad. He just called and was nice as pie. I have no idea what to do and can't help thinking how much worse I make things by not knowing what to do.
SO's Suicide Threat
From 02/07/07
Well, guys, haven't been here in a while....been the same old, same old. Until yesterday.
SO has finally snapped. It started a few days ago....once again, we're back to him throwing me out...OW wanting to marry him...We were arguing about everything and during the argument I mentioned I had heard something about her awhile ago...he insisted on me telling him what I heard - I refused. I told him I didn't want to say anything because I didn't know if it was true or just rumor.
From what I can gather, OW was trying to get him to stop bothering her unless he was serious about marrying her. He, in his obsessive way, continued emailing, calling, texting her - in his usual cycle. Starting out nice, then nasty, mean, & threatening.
Yesterday, the police called again, leaving a message telling him he's not have any contact with her. He says it was all because I wouldn't tell him what I heard.
When he spoke to the police officer, he told the officer he was going to kill himself...and supposedly the cop said "Do It". When he got off the phone he told me to take the kids and leave. That he was going to end everything after we left. I refused to leave, telling him I would not leave him in the state he was in, not caring if he hated me because of it. I asked him if there was someone he wanted me to call because I would not leave him by himself. He said no and that if I didn't leave he was. I refused to go, so he took 3 or 4 vicodin, putting the bottle in his pocket. He went downstairs and got his muscle car out of the garage. I knew this was serious and went downstairs. I mena, this car can't be out on snowy roads - the pills, everything. He took off....he did continue to call me. Saying he took more pills, crying, asking me to call the OW. I actually acquiesied -it meant more to me to have him alive...I called her cell but it wouldn't let me leave a message. I told him that...then he asked me to call her mother. I refused. I said it would only make matters worse.
Somewhere in there, the state troopers showed up. The cop told me it was because SO had sent a text to OW saying he was going to kill himself. He took all the info and an APB was put out for him in 4 counties. While the cop was here, SO called me and I told him they were looking for him...he said they'd never find him and he was in a cemetary; in the meantime, a mutual friend and I were in contact and she was out looking for him....SO spoke with the officer, crying, hhysterical, telling the cop not to look for him becasue then he would take the car and make them chase him.
Eventually, mutual friend found him...he had also called both his mother and father....kept calling me, yelling at me blaming me for all of this - somehow he was finally talked into coming back home. The police kept calling here to see if he had returned, once he returned I had to call them to tell them. Then, they came to the house and took him to a hospital.
Which is where he is now. The hospital called around 4, telling me he has agreed to admit himself. SO also kept calling me during the night - yelling at me, vile and mean - I finally ended up taking the phone off the hook, but awoke to numerous nasty text messages.
His mom came here this morning and has since left to go to the hospital.
This is a freaking nightmare but I'm relieved he's maybe going to get some help.
Well, guys, haven't been here in a while....been the same old, same old. Until yesterday.
SO has finally snapped. It started a few days ago....once again, we're back to him throwing me out...OW wanting to marry him...We were arguing about everything and during the argument I mentioned I had heard something about her awhile ago...he insisted on me telling him what I heard - I refused. I told him I didn't want to say anything because I didn't know if it was true or just rumor.
From what I can gather, OW was trying to get him to stop bothering her unless he was serious about marrying her. He, in his obsessive way, continued emailing, calling, texting her - in his usual cycle. Starting out nice, then nasty, mean, & threatening.
Yesterday, the police called again, leaving a message telling him he's not have any contact with her. He says it was all because I wouldn't tell him what I heard.
When he spoke to the police officer, he told the officer he was going to kill himself...and supposedly the cop said "Do It". When he got off the phone he told me to take the kids and leave. That he was going to end everything after we left. I refused to leave, telling him I would not leave him in the state he was in, not caring if he hated me because of it. I asked him if there was someone he wanted me to call because I would not leave him by himself. He said no and that if I didn't leave he was. I refused to go, so he took 3 or 4 vicodin, putting the bottle in his pocket. He went downstairs and got his muscle car out of the garage. I knew this was serious and went downstairs. I mena, this car can't be out on snowy roads - the pills, everything. He took off....he did continue to call me. Saying he took more pills, crying, asking me to call the OW. I actually acquiesied -it meant more to me to have him alive...I called her cell but it wouldn't let me leave a message. I told him that...then he asked me to call her mother. I refused. I said it would only make matters worse.
Somewhere in there, the state troopers showed up. The cop told me it was because SO had sent a text to OW saying he was going to kill himself. He took all the info and an APB was put out for him in 4 counties. While the cop was here, SO called me and I told him they were looking for him...he said they'd never find him and he was in a cemetary; in the meantime, a mutual friend and I were in contact and she was out looking for him....SO spoke with the officer, crying, hhysterical, telling the cop not to look for him becasue then he would take the car and make them chase him.
Eventually, mutual friend found him...he had also called both his mother and father....kept calling me, yelling at me blaming me for all of this - somehow he was finally talked into coming back home. The police kept calling here to see if he had returned, once he returned I had to call them to tell them. Then, they came to the house and took him to a hospital.
Which is where he is now. The hospital called around 4, telling me he has agreed to admit himself. SO also kept calling me during the night - yelling at me, vile and mean - I finally ended up taking the phone off the hook, but awoke to numerous nasty text messages.
His mom came here this morning and has since left to go to the hospital.
This is a freaking nightmare but I'm relieved he's maybe going to get some help.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
I'm such a bad poster, lol. Some days I have a lot to say, then days or weeks go by when I can't be bothered.
I guess I still haven't learned the trick to true & complete detachment. Ah, well.
SO claimed again that he was seeing a counselor. I did finally look at his insurance claims and there are none for anything other than his hospitals stays. I suppose I didn't really expect that he was telling the truth, although it would have been nice.
He's still corresponding with the ex from years ago....also still trying to keep things going on with current OW, although she seems to be about done with him. As for me, well, some days he's hot, some days cold.
This past weekend the kids were at his mothers. I went out with friends Friday night and didn't come home. That pissed him off. {Shrug}. Saturday night he had asked me to help him with one of his gigs, so I did. It was OK, we got along fine, even going out to a couple of bars afterwards - although they were here in our town (as opposed to somewhere where any"one" would see us.). He had been asking me to stay in his room with him. Sunday was a really, really nice morning. We woke to no kids, quiet. Stayed in bed, messed around, until the early afternoon. When I left to go pick up the kids, I thought to myself that if we had only had more nights/days like Saturday/Sunday, it may have made a big difference in our relationship. We didn't do that often enough. Just "be" with each other. That makes me sad.
I don't know where I am today. I'm once again going through the cycle of debating staying vs. leaving. I wonder when I'll make a definitive choice.
I guess I still haven't learned the trick to true & complete detachment. Ah, well.
SO claimed again that he was seeing a counselor. I did finally look at his insurance claims and there are none for anything other than his hospitals stays. I suppose I didn't really expect that he was telling the truth, although it would have been nice.
He's still corresponding with the ex from years ago....also still trying to keep things going on with current OW, although she seems to be about done with him. As for me, well, some days he's hot, some days cold.
This past weekend the kids were at his mothers. I went out with friends Friday night and didn't come home. That pissed him off. {Shrug}. Saturday night he had asked me to help him with one of his gigs, so I did. It was OK, we got along fine, even going out to a couple of bars afterwards - although they were here in our town (as opposed to somewhere where any"one" would see us.). He had been asking me to stay in his room with him. Sunday was a really, really nice morning. We woke to no kids, quiet. Stayed in bed, messed around, until the early afternoon. When I left to go pick up the kids, I thought to myself that if we had only had more nights/days like Saturday/Sunday, it may have made a big difference in our relationship. We didn't do that often enough. Just "be" with each other. That makes me sad.
I don't know where I am today. I'm once again going through the cycle of debating staying vs. leaving. I wonder when I'll make a definitive choice.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
How do you break free when you can't financially leave? When I was on my own, I was so much better. Emotionally. I was free, I was ME. When living with him, I'm so much worse. I find myself constantly drawn into the drama; his insecurities; his schedule....I can't break free of HIM when I'm around HIM. Everything always is centered around him...his schedule...his wants....his quirks. I can't deal with that anymore.
How do you change the status quo? I feel stymied. Smothered. I feel like my potential is being hindered.
I can't make him love me. I can't get him to look at me different; but yet, for some reason he doesn't want to make the decision to let me go. Doesn't want me; but doesn't want to lose me. Doesn't want to work on things; but complains things will never change. Doesn't want to make a change; but complains about things as they are.
Black...white. In...out. Stay....Go. Good....bad.
I wake up and feel so alone. I AM alone most of the time. Last night I found myself at 8 PM, one kid with her Nana, the other 2 asleep, him gone to work at the bar. I wondered what the fuck I was going to do. I'm tired of being alone. I had a whole night to do....what? Watch TV - alone. Go to bed - alone. Alone, alone, alone. It almost broke me last night. Just the thought of HOURS by myself. But I couldn't go out...no babysitter for the 2 little ones. No money to pay for one. No money for gas, or going out or whatever. So what did I do? Numbed myself by watching that 70's show reruns; finally going to bed at 10 pm. I couldn't even find the desire to read any of the books I got.
I feel so stuck.
How do you change the status quo? I feel stymied. Smothered. I feel like my potential is being hindered.
I can't make him love me. I can't get him to look at me different; but yet, for some reason he doesn't want to make the decision to let me go. Doesn't want me; but doesn't want to lose me. Doesn't want to work on things; but complains things will never change. Doesn't want to make a change; but complains about things as they are.
Black...white. In...out. Stay....Go. Good....bad.
I wake up and feel so alone. I AM alone most of the time. Last night I found myself at 8 PM, one kid with her Nana, the other 2 asleep, him gone to work at the bar. I wondered what the fuck I was going to do. I'm tired of being alone. I had a whole night to do....what? Watch TV - alone. Go to bed - alone. Alone, alone, alone. It almost broke me last night. Just the thought of HOURS by myself. But I couldn't go out...no babysitter for the 2 little ones. No money to pay for one. No money for gas, or going out or whatever. So what did I do? Numbed myself by watching that 70's show reruns; finally going to bed at 10 pm. I couldn't even find the desire to read any of the books I got.
I feel so stuck.
Friday, January 19, 2007
The Sad Truth
SO came home from the hospital on Monday. Since then, I've mostly avoided him. I'm not exactly sure why. Just feels like the right thing to do right now. The 1st night he was home, he came to my room, woke me, and asked me to sleep with him in his room. I did. No sex, just sleep. He's been hinting since to keep sleeping with him, but I haven't. Something's not right. I can just feel it.
I used his car the other day and there on the seat was a print out of emails between him and his old girlfriend. The one right before me, the one he was engaged to, the one he cheated on - the one who ended up marrying one of his best friends. On a hunch, I checked the computer history - he's been on her myspace page every time he logs on to the computer.
I'm tired of this. All of this. I don't why I even care so much about him. Life with him for the last 4 years has been hell. Too many problems to overcome. And now this. I also checked his profile and it's been changed to say he would go back to 1993 (the year he was with her) and do it all different and right if he could.
As far as I am aware, she's still married. But, as we all know - that doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot to some people. I can very easily find out if she's still married or what the status of her marriage is (we're all from the same area, her H's parents are my mothers next door neighbors), but why bother?
Ghosts of the past. I can't fight them. He's got our relationship compartmentalized into "over and done" anyway. Now, it appears he's focusing his energies on resurrecting that part of his past life.
I have to get out of here. Once and for all. I need to move forward with MY life. Get away from him already. If there was just ONE good thing that I could still find; if there was just ONE sign that there was still hope for our R, then I would try and stick it out. But there are no signs. There is no hope. I can't find any more reasons to hold on.
The reality is that he is a man with some very deep issues, issues that he will not seek help for. And even if there wasn't the issue of whether he "loved me", we would still then have to deal with these 'other' difficult issues. But, this relationship is facing a double-whammy. Too many issues. And all for what? I forget.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Why do I bother with any of this? This life is not good for the kids. I'm constantly bitchy - mostly because I'm unhappy with my life. The thing is, if SO were to go our separate ways, I would leave the area. I'm here because when we moved here, it was together, as a family. For him, for me, for the raising of our kids, I would stay here. Without him and without our family whole, there isn't much for me here.
The life I knew when together with SO has been taken away from me due to his radio personality. The places we used to go, the things we used to do - well, everyone has followed him. They are the only things I knew around here, and now they are gone.
The very small town we live in is a minimum of 45 minutes from any signs of civilization - in any direction. I don't know anyone in this town; not even the neighbors. One side are old; the other side are weekenders. We're in the boonies.
The few friends I do have around here, once again - from 45 minutes away to 2 hours away. Babysitters? None. Plus, paying for a babysitter plus the costs of gas to go out, as well as the event I'd be doing that needs to be paid for - it all adds up. Family - his and mine are both 1 hour away. Mine in a different state, as well. But, the thing is, if I decide to move out again - that's probably where I'd head to...for now. Closer to our families until I got my feet on the ground. It's the only place I can go where I'd get some help with the kids.
But that would pretty much put the kibosh on any R with SO.
SO's constant statement of he doesn't want to make the decision about "us" is very draining. Again, a no-win situation. For everyone. If I make the decision to move out - then I've abandoned him. If I stay - it pushes him away and makes it harder for him to decide if he wants anything with me.
The life I knew when together with SO has been taken away from me due to his radio personality. The places we used to go, the things we used to do - well, everyone has followed him. They are the only things I knew around here, and now they are gone.
The very small town we live in is a minimum of 45 minutes from any signs of civilization - in any direction. I don't know anyone in this town; not even the neighbors. One side are old; the other side are weekenders. We're in the boonies.
The few friends I do have around here, once again - from 45 minutes away to 2 hours away. Babysitters? None. Plus, paying for a babysitter plus the costs of gas to go out, as well as the event I'd be doing that needs to be paid for - it all adds up. Family - his and mine are both 1 hour away. Mine in a different state, as well. But, the thing is, if I decide to move out again - that's probably where I'd head to...for now. Closer to our families until I got my feet on the ground. It's the only place I can go where I'd get some help with the kids.
But that would pretty much put the kibosh on any R with SO.
SO's constant statement of he doesn't want to make the decision about "us" is very draining. Again, a no-win situation. For everyone. If I make the decision to move out - then I've abandoned him. If I stay - it pushes him away and makes it harder for him to decide if he wants anything with me.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Going Back In Time
Ok...let's go back in time....1996, Christmas time....I'm almost 28 years old, down on my luck. I had to drop out of college and move back into a 3 room apartment at my mothers because I couldn't afford tuition. The University I was going to was 2 hours away, I was working full-time, well, had just gotten laid off for the winter, and I was devastated about having to drop out. It was the only thing I had ever wanted - my college degree.
As a result, I was drinking - a lot. If memory serves me correct, me and a male friend of mine had been on a binge that was over a month long - I believe it had started around Thanksgiving of that year. We would go out, hopping from happy hour to happy hour every night, get smashed, go home, sleep, then get up and do it again. Not good.
I met SO on the 27th of December. My friend and I made our usual stop at the last bar closest to my apartment. I had actually been the designated driver for the night. Not that it meant the driver didn't drink, just that driver drank LESS than the drinker. I hadn't had too much to drink up to that point, so we headed to the bar, only about 2 miles from my house, where I planned on catching up to him with several shots.
It was there that SO was. And so it turns out, him and my friend knew each other in passing. My friend had done some work at SO's grandfathers house and that's how they sort of knew each other. My friend sat down next to SO and we all began talking.....
It got later and later, and my friend was pretty drunk and decided it was time to go. I wasn't ready. I was just starting to have fun...and it was only about 11 PM. Future SO overheard us arguing about me not wanting to leave and offered to drive me home. On impulse, I said OK. I remember thinking to myself, well, I have seen him around before, he's not a mad rapist, and worse case scenario - I'm close enough that I could always walk home or call my mommy!!! LOL My friend leaves.....SO & I end up talking & drinking the rest of the night. Don't ask about what, because I have no recollection. He drove me home, then I do remember that he asked if I would go out with him the next night. I said no. He wrote his number down and gave it to me anyway, then asked for mine. Now - back then I would NEVER give my number to anyone - well, not a real one anyway. But for some reason, I did give him my real number.
The next afternoon....yeah - afternoon, around 3 or so, lol...my mother comes out and wakes me up, telling me "some guy on the phone insists I wake you up - he really needs to talk to you. " and gives me a strange look. I take the phone and it's SO. He says: You never called me. I said: I told you I wasn't going to. He asked if I wanted to come to his house and he would cook me dinner that night. This intrigued me - I never had a man cook for me before. So, I said yes.
After dinner (now, in hindsight, the cooking for me thing was because he didn't have any money to buy dinner at a restaurant!!!)...Later on, we went out to the bar (from the night before, where he runs a tab, BTW) and had a great time just talking. One of the topics I remember talking about was cheating. I remember him questioning me over & over about cheating and my thoughts on it. I remember thinking at the time that someone must have burned him bad for him to be so suspicious. He did tell me had been engaged, but it ended when he found her cheating with his best friend (whom she ultimately married...all of this comes in to play later on in this saga!).
We went to another bar...I remember watching him - he had gone over to talk with someone - I remember just watching him and he looked me and smiled. All I remember saying to myself at that time was "Oh no, I'm in trouble." I felt myself falling really, really hard right at that moment.
As the night went on, a bunch of his friends joined us. They were drunk and he didn't want them driving so he offered to take them back to his grandparents place. I have to explain - him & his brother & sister lived at their grandparents, however, the grnadparents went to Florida every winter for 4-5 months, so this was the party house!)....anyway, as a result of driving his friends around, there wasn't enough gas left to get me home. (we didn't live in an area where there was such a thing as 24 hour convenience stores!!!)...
I ended up staying the night with him. We slept in the same bed, but didn't do anything. I swear! LOL We really didn't - not that he didn't try, but, as a matter of fact, we didn't end up doing "anything" for about 6 weeks after that first date.
This was 12/28 - a date I will always remember because it was grandmothers birthday...and, ultimately, would come to be our 2nd daughters birthday as well.
After that, we were instantly an item....he constantly called, pursued, came over. It almost got annoying. I still had my friends and my life and I remember telling him I was going out with them (instead of him) and he got mad at me. Including New Years - he was working and I already had tickets to a concert with a bunch of friends in NYC. he got mad when I got home at 3 AM, then asked me to come to the bar because he was still working. (I did.) then afterwards, he came back to my place to sleep - even though I had friends there.
At the time, I just thought he really liked me. I never saw it for what it was. He was bulldozing me. Right from the start. I also thought it had something to do with the fact that he had to go back to Florida to take care of his grandparents and he was trying to cram everything in in the short time we had left....he was actually supposed to go back Jan 3rd or 4th or something and stayed for a few weeks longer.
When he did return to Florida, there was always several calls from him each day, including marathon ones that lasted hours & hours into the early morning. And, jeez - if I wasn't there to take his call, he would get mad at me. Where was I? Who was I with? Pissed because I was out with my male friend (even though it was that particular male friend that introduced us!!). Pissed because ALL of my friends were male. I only have a few close female friends - and they didn't live in the area at the time, so most everyone I hung out with was guys. That's just me and it's the way I've always been. And he didn't like it.
Once again - I didn't see these as evil signs. I saw it as signs that he really cared about me; missed me, and that he had been burned before and he had trust issues because of it. I tried to understand that. I also immediately saw that he was someone who needed a lot of attention. I picked up on his low self-esteem right away and could almost see the chip sitting on his shoulder. I never realized the depths of it all.
Also in those early days, he bombarded with all sorts of information about his life....(way too soon, I thought at the time)...but I listened - once again confusing it with caring about me ....about how he hated his mother because she left him (and his brother & sister) when he was 7. packed up, left his father, and left the kids with his father and initiated a divorce. I believe this is THE key to this mans whole identity crisis.
Then, to add insult to injury, when he was 18, he found out that the man who raised him was NOT his biological father. It turns out that his mother was having an affair with her boss (who was about 30 years older than her) while she was dating his "father". When she found out she was pregnant, she blamed it on the man she was dating and they got married in a hurry. So, SO found this out and I believe that added more fuel to his fire.
I listened to all the stories about his younger days...his brief engagement to a girl he met...all of this happened within the first month or so we met. Then, when we did finally make love, he was the first one to say I love you. I have to laugh, because even now I rememebr that I was thinking "What? because we had sex? Wait a second dude, this is too fast!!!!!" LOL - all those things ran through my mind...and, ahem, No, I didn't say it back. Not right then....it took me a few days to think about it, then I did tell him I loved him, too.
OK...so those are the early days. It was actually kind of fun remembering that stuff. I hadn't really thought about it in a long time. They were good days. fun days. Now, if only the magic of those moments could be captured and sprinkled over today, all would be good! :)
As a result, I was drinking - a lot. If memory serves me correct, me and a male friend of mine had been on a binge that was over a month long - I believe it had started around Thanksgiving of that year. We would go out, hopping from happy hour to happy hour every night, get smashed, go home, sleep, then get up and do it again. Not good.
I met SO on the 27th of December. My friend and I made our usual stop at the last bar closest to my apartment. I had actually been the designated driver for the night. Not that it meant the driver didn't drink, just that driver drank LESS than the drinker. I hadn't had too much to drink up to that point, so we headed to the bar, only about 2 miles from my house, where I planned on catching up to him with several shots.
It was there that SO was. And so it turns out, him and my friend knew each other in passing. My friend had done some work at SO's grandfathers house and that's how they sort of knew each other. My friend sat down next to SO and we all began talking.....
It got later and later, and my friend was pretty drunk and decided it was time to go. I wasn't ready. I was just starting to have fun...and it was only about 11 PM. Future SO overheard us arguing about me not wanting to leave and offered to drive me home. On impulse, I said OK. I remember thinking to myself, well, I have seen him around before, he's not a mad rapist, and worse case scenario - I'm close enough that I could always walk home or call my mommy!!! LOL My friend leaves.....SO & I end up talking & drinking the rest of the night. Don't ask about what, because I have no recollection. He drove me home, then I do remember that he asked if I would go out with him the next night. I said no. He wrote his number down and gave it to me anyway, then asked for mine. Now - back then I would NEVER give my number to anyone - well, not a real one anyway. But for some reason, I did give him my real number.
The next afternoon....yeah - afternoon, around 3 or so, lol...my mother comes out and wakes me up, telling me "some guy on the phone insists I wake you up - he really needs to talk to you. " and gives me a strange look. I take the phone and it's SO. He says: You never called me. I said: I told you I wasn't going to. He asked if I wanted to come to his house and he would cook me dinner that night. This intrigued me - I never had a man cook for me before. So, I said yes.
After dinner (now, in hindsight, the cooking for me thing was because he didn't have any money to buy dinner at a restaurant!!!)...Later on, we went out to the bar (from the night before, where he runs a tab, BTW) and had a great time just talking. One of the topics I remember talking about was cheating. I remember him questioning me over & over about cheating and my thoughts on it. I remember thinking at the time that someone must have burned him bad for him to be so suspicious. He did tell me had been engaged, but it ended when he found her cheating with his best friend (whom she ultimately married...all of this comes in to play later on in this saga!).
We went to another bar...I remember watching him - he had gone over to talk with someone - I remember just watching him and he looked me and smiled. All I remember saying to myself at that time was "Oh no, I'm in trouble." I felt myself falling really, really hard right at that moment.
As the night went on, a bunch of his friends joined us. They were drunk and he didn't want them driving so he offered to take them back to his grandparents place. I have to explain - him & his brother & sister lived at their grandparents, however, the grnadparents went to Florida every winter for 4-5 months, so this was the party house!)....anyway, as a result of driving his friends around, there wasn't enough gas left to get me home. (we didn't live in an area where there was such a thing as 24 hour convenience stores!!!)...
I ended up staying the night with him. We slept in the same bed, but didn't do anything. I swear! LOL We really didn't - not that he didn't try, but, as a matter of fact, we didn't end up doing "anything" for about 6 weeks after that first date.
This was 12/28 - a date I will always remember because it was grandmothers birthday...and, ultimately, would come to be our 2nd daughters birthday as well.
After that, we were instantly an item....he constantly called, pursued, came over. It almost got annoying. I still had my friends and my life and I remember telling him I was going out with them (instead of him) and he got mad at me. Including New Years - he was working and I already had tickets to a concert with a bunch of friends in NYC. he got mad when I got home at 3 AM, then asked me to come to the bar because he was still working. (I did.) then afterwards, he came back to my place to sleep - even though I had friends there.
At the time, I just thought he really liked me. I never saw it for what it was. He was bulldozing me. Right from the start. I also thought it had something to do with the fact that he had to go back to Florida to take care of his grandparents and he was trying to cram everything in in the short time we had left....he was actually supposed to go back Jan 3rd or 4th or something and stayed for a few weeks longer.
When he did return to Florida, there was always several calls from him each day, including marathon ones that lasted hours & hours into the early morning. And, jeez - if I wasn't there to take his call, he would get mad at me. Where was I? Who was I with? Pissed because I was out with my male friend (even though it was that particular male friend that introduced us!!). Pissed because ALL of my friends were male. I only have a few close female friends - and they didn't live in the area at the time, so most everyone I hung out with was guys. That's just me and it's the way I've always been. And he didn't like it.
Once again - I didn't see these as evil signs. I saw it as signs that he really cared about me; missed me, and that he had been burned before and he had trust issues because of it. I tried to understand that. I also immediately saw that he was someone who needed a lot of attention. I picked up on his low self-esteem right away and could almost see the chip sitting on his shoulder. I never realized the depths of it all.
Also in those early days, he bombarded with all sorts of information about his life....(way too soon, I thought at the time)...but I listened - once again confusing it with caring about me ....about how he hated his mother because she left him (and his brother & sister) when he was 7. packed up, left his father, and left the kids with his father and initiated a divorce. I believe this is THE key to this mans whole identity crisis.
Then, to add insult to injury, when he was 18, he found out that the man who raised him was NOT his biological father. It turns out that his mother was having an affair with her boss (who was about 30 years older than her) while she was dating his "father". When she found out she was pregnant, she blamed it on the man she was dating and they got married in a hurry. So, SO found this out and I believe that added more fuel to his fire.
I listened to all the stories about his younger days...his brief engagement to a girl he met...all of this happened within the first month or so we met. Then, when we did finally make love, he was the first one to say I love you. I have to laugh, because even now I rememebr that I was thinking "What? because we had sex? Wait a second dude, this is too fast!!!!!" LOL - all those things ran through my mind...and, ahem, No, I didn't say it back. Not right then....it took me a few days to think about it, then I did tell him I loved him, too.
OK...so those are the early days. It was actually kind of fun remembering that stuff. I hadn't really thought about it in a long time. They were good days. fun days. Now, if only the magic of those moments could be captured and sprinkled over today, all would be good! :)
&%@#(#&*%!
Well, SO is back in the hospital. The SOB hasn't even gotten in touch with me since last night with the exception of this email from around 11 this morning:
That's it. That's all I know. It's times like this when I know he's in touch with everyone else in the world, and I am so out of the loop and feel like a frigging idiot for even caring about him. On top of it, OW's mother works in the hospital that he's admitted to. And, they live not far from there, whereas "I" am an hour away. Fukitol.
It's obvious he doesn't want me around anyway. And I'm sure sooner or later he will blame this hospital stay on me, as history has said he will.
But, even through my pissiness, lol, I did respond with (what I hope) was a nice enough email back to him:
"OK.... thanks for the update - been really worried...texted you a few times & left a VM. Don't worry about us here, concentrate on yourself. If there's anything you need, let me know.
xo
me"
I have zero cash on me. The bank account is about $300 overdrawn so I can't even get any out; I've only got a quarter tank of gas in my truck which just so happens to have a power steering problem that he was going to fix this weekend, so, if the fucking thing breaks down - I have no vehicle! Oh, yeah - I've got his 2 pickup trucks here, but nothing that will fit me and the 3 kids.
Goddammit anyway. He did call earlier. Around 1 or so, just to say he didn't know anything and that "I can't talk to you right now.". I said OK, Bye and we hung up. Ass.
"Have my laptop here, B will come get in later for tonights gig. I'm in pain, but just got out of CT scan, I'll know more later".
That's it. That's all I know. It's times like this when I know he's in touch with everyone else in the world, and I am so out of the loop and feel like a frigging idiot for even caring about him. On top of it, OW's mother works in the hospital that he's admitted to. And, they live not far from there, whereas "I" am an hour away. Fukitol.
It's obvious he doesn't want me around anyway. And I'm sure sooner or later he will blame this hospital stay on me, as history has said he will.
But, even through my pissiness, lol, I did respond with (what I hope) was a nice enough email back to him:
"OK.... thanks for the update - been really worried...texted you a few times & left a VM. Don't worry about us here, concentrate on yourself. If there's anything you need, let me know.
xo
me"
I have zero cash on me. The bank account is about $300 overdrawn so I can't even get any out; I've only got a quarter tank of gas in my truck which just so happens to have a power steering problem that he was going to fix this weekend, so, if the fucking thing breaks down - I have no vehicle! Oh, yeah - I've got his 2 pickup trucks here, but nothing that will fit me and the 3 kids.
Goddammit anyway. He did call earlier. Around 1 or so, just to say he didn't know anything and that "I can't talk to you right now.". I said OK, Bye and we hung up. Ass.
Certain words & phrases from SO:
He feels empty inside; Can't make a solid decision - wants others to make the big decisions in his life (re: me & kids - leave him or stay)
He sees things/people/subjects in black & white only - doesn't think people can have varying opinions on the same subject
Irrational fears of abandonment (his exact words "I only want a woman who won't leave me")
Bad self-image; no self-confidence; feelings of worthlessness
Lack of close personal friends - seems to use them for a while, then seems to move on to the next "friend"
Constantly says he is "inadequate"; always asks if I hate him; indicates that I should not love him after everything he's put me through
Says he feels so guilty and ashamed of the bad things he puts people through
Stuck in the past - constant statement "I wish it was 1982 (or some year from his past)" - seems from the time when his grandparents were all still alive
Do lottery tickets count as gambling? Large sums of money spent each day on scratch-offs; inability to stop compulsive spending on other frivolous items
Drug Use? Prescriptions - vicodin, percoset, etc. He's never been an excessive drinker
fear of being out of control of a situation; always has to be center of attention - even when it's someone elses turn to shine
Does not accept responsibility for his actions; ignores the consequences of the actions that hurt others
Constant criticism of others; irrational accusations that partner is "cheating" on him (among other accusations?
Projects his bad self-image or his guilty feelings on others
Splitting - one day someone is all good - the next they can do nothing right in his eyes;
Constnatly feels betrayed by people when they go against his wishes, thoughts or ideas. When someone stands up for what they believe in, he ridicules, criticizes, tries to get them to see things "his" way; uses bullying tactics when necessary to get his way(this goes for anything - sex, food, whatever and with whomever - friends, partners, family members, kids
Cannot stand to be ALONE - neither figuratively or physically. When left alone (physically) - he will be on the phone, calling anyone and everyone just to talk to someone; or (even simultaneously) be on the computer IM'ing and emailing people - seems like he can't stand to be in the presence of himself
Obssessive/Compulsive behavior - when you don't answer his calls/emails, he will not stop trying to reach you until you answer him. There's been times when he has hit redial until I answered - 20, 30 - 50 times. Then, projects all sorts of irrational accusations about "WHY" the person didn't answer him
Goes to extraordinary lengths to make people believe him; covers up the "bad" things he has done; will comepletely fabricate intricate stories to cover himself up
Lives in two worlds i.e.: He's got his "real" life ; then there's the alternate persona he's created with his "radio personality"
He feels empty inside; Can't make a solid decision - wants others to make the big decisions in his life (re: me & kids - leave him or stay)
He sees things/people/subjects in black & white only - doesn't think people can have varying opinions on the same subject
Irrational fears of abandonment (his exact words "I only want a woman who won't leave me")
Bad self-image; no self-confidence; feelings of worthlessness
Lack of close personal friends - seems to use them for a while, then seems to move on to the next "friend"
Constantly says he is "inadequate"; always asks if I hate him; indicates that I should not love him after everything he's put me through
Says he feels so guilty and ashamed of the bad things he puts people through
Stuck in the past - constant statement "I wish it was 1982 (or some year from his past)" - seems from the time when his grandparents were all still alive
Do lottery tickets count as gambling? Large sums of money spent each day on scratch-offs; inability to stop compulsive spending on other frivolous items
Drug Use? Prescriptions - vicodin, percoset, etc. He's never been an excessive drinker
fear of being out of control of a situation; always has to be center of attention - even when it's someone elses turn to shine
Does not accept responsibility for his actions; ignores the consequences of the actions that hurt others
Constant criticism of others; irrational accusations that partner is "cheating" on him (among other accusations?
Projects his bad self-image or his guilty feelings on others
Splitting - one day someone is all good - the next they can do nothing right in his eyes;
Constnatly feels betrayed by people when they go against his wishes, thoughts or ideas. When someone stands up for what they believe in, he ridicules, criticizes, tries to get them to see things "his" way; uses bullying tactics when necessary to get his way(this goes for anything - sex, food, whatever and with whomever - friends, partners, family members, kids
Cannot stand to be ALONE - neither figuratively or physically. When left alone (physically) - he will be on the phone, calling anyone and everyone just to talk to someone; or (even simultaneously) be on the computer IM'ing and emailing people - seems like he can't stand to be in the presence of himself
Obssessive/Compulsive behavior - when you don't answer his calls/emails, he will not stop trying to reach you until you answer him. There's been times when he has hit redial until I answered - 20, 30 - 50 times. Then, projects all sorts of irrational accusations about "WHY" the person didn't answer him
Goes to extraordinary lengths to make people believe him; covers up the "bad" things he has done; will comepletely fabricate intricate stories to cover himself up
Lives in two worlds i.e.: He's got his "real" life ; then there's the alternate persona he's created with his "radio personality"
BPD Criterion
Criterion for BPD with my answer in red:
2. A pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. YES!!!! Even prior to our R
3. Identity disturbance: markedly & persistently unstable self-image or sense of self - YES!
4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (eg, spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Yes? Spending frivolously; substance abuse (vicodin, percoset which has been going on longer than I originally believed - for at least4 years that I can trace back); Sex? Perhaps....
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior; gestures, or threats. NO - However, constantly says he "will be dead before he is 40".
6. Affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood (eg, intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). Sometimes - he's more prone to hold everything INSIDE rather than let it out, but it does happen occasionally; lately, more often
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. He has recently begun stating this to me using the exact words "I always feel empty inside" (By recently I mean over the last 3-4 years; even prior to OW)
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger. At times - usually keeps it all bottled up inside. he can be seething on the inside and you would never know. Very unable to express his anger in a healthy manner.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Sometimes he seems "out there". I can't make a determination on this one.
Additional traits:
2. Undefined boundaries - has difficulty with personal limits - both his own and those of others YES!!
3. Control Issues - feels the need to control other people because they feel so out of control with themselves. YES!!
4. Lack of Object Constancy - finds it difficult to soothe or console himself; if a person is not physically present, they don't exist on an emotional level. May call frequently just to make sure you're still there and care about them. YES!
5. Interpersonal Sensitivity - an amazing ability to read people and uncover their triggers & vulnerabilities. has an astute ability to identify and use social & nonverbal clues of others so they can ultimately use them to their advantage in various situations - YES!
6. Situational Competence - Are competent and in control in some situations example: work. YES
7. Narcissistic Demands - frequently bringing the focus of attention back to themselves; may react to things based solely on how it affects THEM YES
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. YES!!!!!
2. A pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. YES!!!! Even prior to our R
4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (eg, spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Yes? Spending frivolously; substance abuse (vicodin, percoset which has been going on longer than I originally believed - for at least4 years that I can trace back); Sex? Perhaps....
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior; gestures, or threats. NO - However, constantly says he "will be dead before he is 40".
6. Affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood (eg, intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). Sometimes - he's more prone to hold everything INSIDE rather than let it out, but it does happen occasionally; lately, more often
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. He has recently begun stating this to me using the exact words "I always feel empty inside" (By recently I mean over the last 3-4 years; even prior to OW)
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger. At times - usually keeps it all bottled up inside. he can be seething on the inside and you would never know. Very unable to express his anger in a healthy manner.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Sometimes he seems "out there". I can't make a determination on this one.
Additional traits:
1. Pervasive shame - feels flawed. The book describes him best: "A shame-based person will guard against exposing his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against exposing himself to himself". He CANNOT look at himself.
2. Undefined boundaries - has difficulty with personal limits - both his own and those of others YES!!
3. Control Issues - feels the need to control other people because they feel so out of control with themselves. YES!!
4. Lack of Object Constancy - finds it difficult to soothe or console himself; if a person is not physically present, they don't exist on an emotional level. May call frequently just to make sure you're still there and care about them. YES!
5. Interpersonal Sensitivity - an amazing ability to read people and uncover their triggers & vulnerabilities. has an astute ability to identify and use social & nonverbal clues of others so they can ultimately use them to their advantage in various situations - YES!
6. Situational Competence - Are competent and in control in some situations example: work. YES
7. Narcissistic Demands - frequently bringing the focus of attention back to themselves; may react to things based solely on how it affects THEM YES
More
OK...this is harder than I thought. My SO (significant other, used because I have no idea what to call him at the moment) has been involved with another woman (OW, for future reference) for over 2 years now. In my pursuit to find the cause of this cheating and trying to figure out how to repair our relationship - I came across a wonderful website and book called Divorce Busting Divorce Busting Community .
In my adventures there, I met a lot of fantastic people who are going through a really shitty time in their lives. I also learned a lot about how relationships (R's) work, don't work, communication, etc. I haven't decided whether I will link my threads from there to here or not...anyway, a lot of the jargon I have grown used to using was learned there.
Over the years I have noticed some personality issues with SO. I'm noting this because he has recently stated to me that "what is wrong with him" has a name...Borderline Personality Disorder.
I, however, am no psychologist and am in no way qualified to make the necessary assessments that would determine whether he is suffering from an actual mental disorder or not. But whatever it is that he is suffering from, whether it be BPD, mid-life crisis, or just a plain old lying cheating bastard, I need to figure out where to go from here.
We have three little girls whose futures have yet to be written. I need to do what is best for them and for myself...if SO really is suffering from some form of a personality disorder, I need to learn all that I can so as to be able to effectively deal with him...seemingly for the rest of my life - as we share the parentage of our children and I don't think he will just go away.
So, here I am. This journal may be wacky to some out there. I have no idea where I am going to go with it, or how my thoughts will come out on "paper". But I do want to try and get our history down first; as well as the criterion for BPD because I think a lot of it was present from the very beginning of our R, whether I chose to see it or not.
And a warning, I am not a very proficient writer, I tend to be way too wordy, lol. I also put in every little thing - not sure if it's meaningful or not. But anyone who has the patience to read through this, God love ya! :)
In my adventures there, I met a lot of fantastic people who are going through a really shitty time in their lives. I also learned a lot about how relationships (R's) work, don't work, communication, etc. I haven't decided whether I will link my threads from there to here or not...anyway, a lot of the jargon I have grown used to using was learned there.
Over the years I have noticed some personality issues with SO. I'm noting this because he has recently stated to me that "what is wrong with him" has a name...Borderline Personality Disorder.
I, however, am no psychologist and am in no way qualified to make the necessary assessments that would determine whether he is suffering from an actual mental disorder or not. But whatever it is that he is suffering from, whether it be BPD, mid-life crisis, or just a plain old lying cheating bastard, I need to figure out where to go from here.
We have three little girls whose futures have yet to be written. I need to do what is best for them and for myself...if SO really is suffering from some form of a personality disorder, I need to learn all that I can so as to be able to effectively deal with him...seemingly for the rest of my life - as we share the parentage of our children and I don't think he will just go away.
So, here I am. This journal may be wacky to some out there. I have no idea where I am going to go with it, or how my thoughts will come out on "paper". But I do want to try and get our history down first; as well as the criterion for BPD because I think a lot of it was present from the very beginning of our R, whether I chose to see it or not.
And a warning, I am not a very proficient writer, I tend to be way too wordy, lol. I also put in every little thing - not sure if it's meaningful or not. But anyone who has the patience to read through this, God love ya! :)
In the Beginning...
....Well, I've decided to put together this blog to help me with my relationship. I'm going to start with what I am SURE will turn out to be quite a lengthy narrative of my history with my Mr. Big. LOL. It may be that he is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I am hesitant to place a diagnosis on him, as I am not definitely qualified to do so, albeit I have lived with him for the last 10 years, so that should count for something, lmao.
But anyway, whatever is wrong with him, me, us - I hope by getting everything down in one place, I can somehow make sense of everything.
So here's the basics:
me: 38, January birthday
him: 33, May birthday
met December 1996; Never Married, 3 children - all girls: 8, 4, and 2
Next I hope to give a little background as to why I'm doing this; sites I've visited; info I've learned; how BPD (borderline personality disorder) may play into this and what decisions I have to make for me and my girls.
But anyway, whatever is wrong with him, me, us - I hope by getting everything down in one place, I can somehow make sense of everything.
So here's the basics:
me: 38, January birthday
him: 33, May birthday
met December 1996; Never Married, 3 children - all girls: 8, 4, and 2
Next I hope to give a little background as to why I'm doing this; sites I've visited; info I've learned; how BPD (borderline personality disorder) may play into this and what decisions I have to make for me and my girls.
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