How do you break free when you can't financially leave? When I was on my own, I was so much better. Emotionally. I was free, I was ME. When living with him, I'm so much worse. I find myself constantly drawn into the drama; his insecurities; his schedule....I can't break free of HIM when I'm around HIM. Everything always is centered around him...his schedule...his wants....his quirks. I can't deal with that anymore.

How do you change the status quo? I feel stymied. Smothered. I feel like my potential is being hindered.

I can't make him love me. I can't get him to look at me different; but yet, for some reason he doesn't want to make the decision to let me go. Doesn't want me; but doesn't want to lose me. Doesn't want to work on things; but complains things will never change. Doesn't want to make a change; but complains about things as they are.

Black...white. In...out. Stay....Go. Good....bad.

I wake up and feel so alone. I AM alone most of the time. Last night I found myself at 8 PM, one kid with her Nana, the other 2 asleep, him gone to work at the bar. I wondered what the fuck I was going to do. I'm tired of being alone. I had a whole night to do....what? Watch TV - alone. Go to bed - alone. Alone, alone, alone. It almost broke me last night. Just the thought of HOURS by myself. But I couldn't go out...no babysitter for the 2 little ones. No money to pay for one. No money for gas, or going out or whatever. So what did I do? Numbed myself by watching that 70's show reruns; finally going to bed at 10 pm. I couldn't even find the desire to read any of the books I got.

I feel so stuck.