Why do I bother with any of this? This life is not good for the kids. I'm constantly bitchy - mostly because I'm unhappy with my life. The thing is, if SO were to go our separate ways, I would leave the area. I'm here because when we moved here, it was together, as a family. For him, for me, for the raising of our kids, I would stay here. Without him and without our family whole, there isn't much for me here.

The life I knew when together with SO has been taken away from me due to his radio personality. The places we used to go, the things we used to do - well, everyone has followed him. They are the only things I knew around here, and now they are gone.

The very small town we live in is a minimum of 45 minutes from any signs of civilization - in any direction. I don't know anyone in this town; not even the neighbors. One side are old; the other side are weekenders. We're in the boonies.

The few friends I do have around here, once again - from 45 minutes away to 2 hours away. Babysitters? None. Plus, paying for a babysitter plus the costs of gas to go out, as well as the event I'd be doing that needs to be paid for - it all adds up. Family - his and mine are both 1 hour away. Mine in a different state, as well. But, the thing is, if I decide to move out again - that's probably where I'd head to...for now. Closer to our families until I got my feet on the ground. It's the only place I can go where I'd get some help with the kids.

But that would pretty much put the kibosh on any R with SO.

SO's constant statement of he doesn't want to make the decision about "us" is very draining. Again, a no-win situation. For everyone. If I make the decision to move out - then I've abandoned him. If I stay - it pushes him away and makes it harder for him to decide if he wants anything with me.