2/28/07

BI!!!! Hey, girl. Thanks for stopping in.

Saw the pix of your wreck - thank God you and your children came out OK. It's scary how things can change in the blink of an eye.

Any time you want to pack up that fryin' pan (I'm hoping it's cast iron) and take a road trip, let me know! My door's open if you need a get away!!

As for the garbage I'm living with. You're right. It's hard. If you take each individual "problem", that is, break them down and think about how one would deal with them one at a time, I think:

Would I leave him becuase he's got a health condition that's resulted in a prescription painkiller addiction? Would I leave because he's apparently suffering from some kind of personality disorder?
Would I leave because of OW?

Each of those things in and of themselves ARE very difficult for any couple to overcome. And, we've been slammed with all of them at the same time. That's not even factoring in the financial problems, work issues, and kids to raise.

So, do I bail? I do admit to thinking about it more often these days. The thought of putting 2 hours between him & I and not having to deal with this crap on a daily basis IS very inviting. More and more as every day passes and nothing obvious changes.

When I think about the fact that I KNOW on a personal level I can be happy without him, I do admit to feeling guilty. And, please, everyone, don't slam me for that. It's not what's holding me here. I don't blame myself for anything more than what I am guilty of - sucking at interpersonal relationships! LOL Due to whatever reasons, I didn't live up to my half of the R when we were together. And granted, SO chose the path to OW.... as did all the spouses / SO's here on this forum - that's how we all got here. That's how WAS chose to answer the problems they were experiencing. Doesn't make it right; doesn't make it wrong. But it is what happened.

So, here I am. Perhaps what I'm doing is only making matters worse. But the optimist in me says, "well, you must be something that's at least a little right because he STILL cannot make up his mind." After all this time, there's something that I'm doing that makes him pause in furthering his R with OW.

But, WTH knows. Again, back to my indecision. Is staying better? Or leaving? And, you're right - how much more am I able to take? I don't know that answer. Not yet anyway.

OT,

Thanks for the clarification. What I meant about the "anti-DB" remark was that I was under the impression that as the LBS, that until such time that the WAS re-commits or shows an interest in repairing the R (and we all know in my case that SO has NOT recommitted to our R), that the LBS should "put aside" their wants/needs from the R. Perhaps because I haven't read the book in so long, I am not remembering correctly. I know one can't keep putting their thoughts/feelings aside forever, that's obviously not healthy for the LBS, but I thought that it was to be "postponed" until there's mutual committment. So, I guess I felt like I was not following DB structure.

As for my father and our relationship as parent/child, once I moved out on my own, I told my father that if he wanted to be alcoholic that was his choice. But he was to respect my wishes and that I would not see him or allow him in my home when he was drunk. If he wanted to have anything to do with me, it was to be when he was sober. As a result, I would not attend his 50th birthday party where there was going to be alcohol, as a matter of fact hadn't seen him personally in over one year, and then he died 2 weeks after his birthday. That will be 10 years ago in July. Honestly, there's times when I think about my childhood and cry. How could he have done this to his kids? Blame him, and yes - hate him. And yes, sometimes I feel guilt for not having seen him for so long before he died.

But, here's the very interesting part - especially when you look at my current situation - I always held it against my mother for not leaving him and subjecting us kids to that violent, abusive lifestyle. And now, as a mother myself, I constantly think about that. granted, my situation does not include physical abuse, but how is this affecting my children? I worry about it constantly. And I also worry about how it's going to be as a single mom. Is sticking my kids with sitters/day care for 10 hours a day, mom stressed out & tired from work; struggling to make ends meet - is that a better life for us? Am I scared to be out on my own? You're damned right I am. FOR THE FINANCIAL REASONS. I know all too well SO's poor money managing skills. And, yes, I know I will be able to get child support. And right now, I have now doubt that I could ask a judge for pretty much anything and be awarded - and yes, I have copies of every single tax form; restraining order, emails, anything that can be used on my behalf should it come to a court battle. I have to laugh - OW did a lot of hard work for me. Her charges against SO, his stay in the psych ward - very damaging to SO should it come to that.

But child support won't cover all my expenses. I have worked the scenario over & over - trying to figure out if I'd be able to make it on my own. And it doesn't look promising. So, am I staying right now out of fear? Perhaps. Good god, I'm sure I'm opening up a whole can of psychological worms by admitting this stuff. But I think that what's really holding me back from making a stay/go decision is the fact that he's attending counseling. FINALLY. And it's a MAJOR step for him. And while I know it's no guarantee for the future of our R, I am hoping it it helps him figure out what he wants in his life. Whether it's me, OW, or someone else. And that's what makes me think I should stick it out a little longer.