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First - I didn't realize that Crohn's disease was being considered as a diagnosis. If he has chronic abdominal pain, he should definitely be tried on a gluten-free diet:

Ellie,

Yes, the last time he was in the hospital (in January 07 for the abdominal pain & infection) the doctors told him that Crohn's is considered; they also told him from the little they know, that since he keeps having infections/flare-ups so often, he will most likely need surgery to remove a part of his intestine. However, they need to do the colonoscopy. Since his hospital stays last summer, he has postponed each appointment due to one drama or another (root canal, snowy weather, suicide threat, then car accident)....they can't make any diagnosis until he has that done, at the very least. To my knowledge, he has yet to reschedule another one.....


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Of course, right now he may have abdominal pains any time he withdraws from the pain pills, since narcotics addicts have a lot of cramping and pain when they go through withdrawal

This is good info to have, I didn't know that. And thank you for the link to the gluten free diet. I did read a little of it, haven't passed it on to SO as of yet. He tends to shrug everything off....which leads me to this:

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I don't blame you for being fed up. If you can do anything to get him clean, though - even if you plan to leave - it will be better for your kids to have a sober dad.


I don't know. I don't think "I" can do that. I grew up with an alcoholic father who lived by the bottle and indirectly died by the bottle (shot & killed by a drinking buddy in a murder/suicide)...In the 17 years I lived at home with him, the one thing I learned is you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. The whole leading the horse to water thing. I can't force SO to get help - of any kind. Whether it is for his medical conditions, mental conditions - whatever. I've witnessed over & over again. He'll ask me for my opinion, and when I tell him, if it doesn't agree with his opinion, he disregards it. And yet, someone else can give him the very same information that I do, and he'll listen to them.

And this example just recently came up when him & I were discussing his session with the therapist. I've known there was something "not right" with his mind for awhile and knowing his childhood (mother leaving at age 8, finding out he was the product of his mothers affair with her boss) - I've always stated to him that those negative incidents impacted him drastically. He's always shrugged it off. Now, he tells me that OW and therapist have told him that very same thing. So, you have "me" who's been suggesting this to him for at least 5 years, probably more - and "my" theories have no bearing on him. Now someone else tells him the very same thing.

Sometimes I wonder, does he view me as some kind of "mother" figure? He'll ask for my advice and when I give it, disregard it. And yet, if my advice, suggestions, opinions - whatever, turn out to be accurate, then he says "NM, you're always right". But he says it in a BAD way. Like he HATES the fact that "HE" was wrong and "I" was right. (I'm having a difficult time explaining this.) He doesn't like to be wrong - ever, about anything. And he likes it even less when I turn out to be right. And because I can sense that, sometimes I just keep my opinions/advice to myself. He's an adult, I don't want treat him like one of my children, but sometimes that's how it feels. And I don't want to be viewed "that" way by him. I hope I'm making some sense here.

Again - the drug use. Since we talked about how I feel he's addicted, plus the mixing in of the Valium - he has not taken anymore. He's also backed off taking so many of the painkillers (been watching the bottle). Of course, I'm glad he's not taking them. And I'm glad he listened to me, don't take it the wrong way. But I think it makes him feel kind of inferior to me. And like a stubborn, rebellious child, he'll do the opposite of what he knows is right just to prove me wrong. And yes, this way of thinking is NOT the normal way an adult should think. But, then again, he's got some of kind of personality disorder, so it's one damned vicious circle.

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I love it when OT pops in, she has a such a way of summing things up that a wordy person like myself can never do! That post, in and of itself, really is the essence of it all. Perfect.

Hi, Rob. Me, too! OT's my hero!
And thanks for checking in w/ me. Whenever I see your comments, I always picture you snorting those twizzlers out of your nose a couple of months back. Great visual. LMAO


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I hope things even out for you soon. What an incredibly rough patch! It sounds as though your conversation with SO was actually very good. And, BTW, I don't think that there is anything anti-DB about reporting what is going on with you directly.

The thing to avoid is sharing feelings when it is all about trying to get WAS to respond in a particular way. Crying to get WAS to "get it" or feel guilty, declaring true love over and over again, trying to get WAS to repent and rescue the LBS. In fewer words, it is the needy, grovelling, pushy sharing of feelings in which the LBS still feels entitled to having WAS have the feelings the LBS wants the WAS to have that is problematic. (Oh well, not fewer words, lol.)

OT - thank you. The one thing I am very guilty of is never wanting to look like an a$$hole - to anyone, not just SO. My own personal fear is being viewed as weak; letting someone know they've hurt me. So I will allow myself to be seen as angry when actually deeply hurt; viewed as a b!tch when it's really shyness; being funny when inside I'm sad.

I will go to great lengths to hide my inner feelings when I think it's going to show weakness on my part. It's taken me a long time to be able to understand that about myself. I have been trying to overcome that. Unfortunately, this whole thing with SO has been the catalyst in discovering that about myself. So, sometimes I can't always change what I know about myself because I don't think it's conducive to the situation. So, in my case, I think I'm more of the opposite. I don't threaten or issue ultimatums; I don't try to push someone to do something they don't want to do. I don't try to push myself on SO. But I have begun to feel very tired of keeping what I feel inside.

There was an episode of Seinfeld that I always think of. The one where Kramer answers the movie phone. George keeps pushing buttons and Kramer can't decipher what movie he's talking about. So Kramer says: "why don't you just tell me what movie you want to see."

When SO is relentlessly questioning me & my feelings (or vice versa), I always run that line through my head. "WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT." The two of us have had such difficult communication problems thoughtout our entire R (look where it's gotten us); each of us veiling our true feelings to the other, that anymore I just try to find a way to say what I have to say clearly and directly. Without any expectations; without trying to lay guilt; without trying to push for what "I" want. And it's really not very easy for me. Especially since I do know a lot of SO's triggers; I know how to lay guilt and I know how to coerce him into getting what I want (about certain things, anyway.)

I don't know what's best for this situation. Staying, leaving. Factor in SO's debilitating fear of abandonment and inability to make decisions regarding personal relationships... If I leave him, is that just compunding the abandonment issue? He's not forcing me move out now. Instead he wants ME to make the decision as to whether to stay or go. And I think that if I make the decision, isn't that kind of enabling him? Or rather, if I move out, then he once again gets off the hook about making his own decisions and postpones facing his problems.

I know, I know - OT, I can hear you now - I need to make decisions about MY life and the kids lives without worrying about SO. I just don't know which decision is the best. At this point, I am so damned confused about everything. I can wake up each morning and can always find new hope to carry on. But should I? I soemtimes HATE the hope that I find; hate my optimism. I sometimes wish that I just didn't give a damn. I wish that I could shut my mind off and stop seeing all different sides to the story because it only confuses me. I wish I could just stop being so understanding. Stop understanding that I know this isn't all about me. Stop understanding that SO's issues are varied and deep and he may FINALLY face those issues. Like that bald woman said several years ago "stop the madness!!" LOL

Oh, and BTW, SO & OW are back in touch with each other. And, he's supposed to have court tomorrow, re: stalking, harrassment & restraining order. As far as I'm aware, I believe that any contact OW has with him should negate those charges. But, her mother is also listed in the paperwork. And I don't think Mommy knows that her daughter is back in touch with SO.

And, I must admit, the devious part of me would really love to see OW get herself arrested for violating her own RO.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out.