2/21/07

On 2/6, we had the whole suicide threat thing.... SO says it wasn't all about OW. But her ending things with him was the icing (on the cake he's been eating?).

Anyway.....the vicodin / percoset addiction he's gotten to....and, YES! I vehemently believe it IS an addiction as from what I've found out, this stems back at least 3-4 years - due to the ever increasing pain in his abdomen due to Crohn's Disease, diverticulitis -whatever it is not yet determined by a doctor. His colonoscopy appointments keep getting rescheduled due to one drama or another....but, until he has that medical issue narrowed down, he will have the severe pain in his stomach, thus relying heavily on the painkillers.

More recently, particularly these last 3 months since I moved back in and OW
issued her ultimatum, I found out that he is now taking Valium, given to him by a "friend". This "friend" is a woman, older than me, married to an incredibly wealthy man 20 years her senior. This "friend" is wack job. She is so lost in her own way, has mental issues of her own (bi-polar); and relies heavily on prescriptions to get through her days...she thinks that by spending money on people or giving them things, she can buy their friendship - or at least that's how it appears to me.

On the Friday after his accident, SO asked me to come to the hospital - at 4:30 in the afternoon, 2 hours away. I didn't really have a problem with that - he sounded depressed. His mom & I went. When we got there, they decided to change his room. His room-mate had been discharged and they moved SO to make room for a female patient. While moving his things, I opened the dresser drawer and found a f**king pill laying in there. Now I don't know pills by sight, but I "KNEW" that it wasn't something good; and knowing that the "friend" had been to visit him earlier in the day, I kind of knew where it came from and what I suspected it to be (Valium).

I was irate. I looked at him, he saw the look on my face and then started questioning where the dresser was. I said the dresser is fine and that I had what was in it. Then he started with the BS - it's my Lexapro, I'm supposed to take it at night - they gave it to me in the morning - so I put it away until night time. I said "Bullshit. This is ridiculous. I cannot believe that "friend" had the audacity to give you a frigging valium while you are laying here in the hospital with narcotics dripping through your veins."

I ended up giving the pill back to him with the words - "You're a big boy; if you want to kill yourself, then do it here. I'm through with this crap, you make your own choices and I don't want to have anything to do with it." With that, I walked out. His mother followed me and I told her that I would not go back in to see him. If she wanted to, that was fine, I would wait downstairs but I refused to go back in. She said, "No, let's go.", so we left - with no word to SO.

On the drive home, SO texted me, telling me I acted like an asshole and it was his Lexapro I found. I showed his mom the text and never responded to him. Then he started calling....after about 10 calls, I turned the ringer off. I couldn't speak with him right then - I didn't want to. I decided that when I got home, I would look at both the Lexapro and the Valiuim that was at the house, figure out if it was either of them, then go from there. I have a pretty good photographic memory, plus I had his mother write down the numbers on the pill just in case I forgot them before I got home. In the meantime - I was NOT going to talk to him before I found out which pill it was.

And, sure as the sun rises, the damn tihng turned out to be a Valium. And, from what I read, you're not supposed to mix them with painkillers; muscle relaxants; certain anti-depressants; nor antacids. HE TAKES ALL FOUR OF THESE THINGS!!!!! He was on Dilaudin at the hospital, plus a muscle relaxant that I think was called Flexarol or something, plus the Lexapro, and Prilosec for Pete's sake!! What a jackass.

The next morning he called - never saying a word about the night before, just that he was being released and could I come get him. I said OK. When we got there, I could tell he had taken the valium the night before - I've seen him take them before and it makes him catatonic - exactly how we found him that morning. The nurses came in to give him the instructions for home care, telling him to keep the collar on his neck, not to drive - he started acting rebellious with "I have to work, I have to drive - I don't need the collar, blah, blah." Right in front of the nurse I told him to keep his mouth shut, that "I" needed to know what was going to happen to him if he took the collar off and fell to the floor paralyzed. That shut him up.

When the nurse left, SO's mom followed her. I presume she told the nurse about the valium, because the nurse came back in and while she didn't say anything exact, she alluded to the fact that she knew he was taking them and gave him a pretty brusque talking to. That also kind of put him in his place.

On the drive back home, he then brought the subject up. I told him I wasn't going to argue with him about it. I said that he's almost 34 years old and he's old enough to make his own decisions and that while I was disappointed in what he did, it was none of my business, which is why I had given him the pill back instead of reporting it to the nurse.

Since he's been home, I see that he has taken only 1 of the 4 valiums that were here...and I don't think that he has any hidden stashes of them.

So that is the drug use that I'm concerned about. Heavy addiction to painkillers, now relying on Valium, mixed with everything else.

He asked me again last night about it and I told him that I did feel he was addicted. He didn't really say anything. I told him he wasn't like someone in back alley smoking crack, and that I understand the physical pain in his abdomen, but that still doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem with taking too many and combining things that shouldn't be combined. Again, no real answer or comments from him.

Somehow we also got on the subject of me moving out; OW, etc. I told him I wanted him to give me half the tax return he's getting and I was giving that cash to someone to hold for me for when I feel the need to move out. He then accused me of trying to make him more crazy. I said "I don't know what to do. I don't know if staying here helps you or hinders you." I said now that you're getting help - then he cut me off with "I will never be helped, there is no helping someone who suffers what I have." So I said to him, "Then why bother to continue with your appointments if that's how you feel?" No answer. Then I said, "SO, I know this is all new territory; I know you're hurt by the OW thing, me, the kids, work, everything. I know that you may think that you have tried everything you can think of and maybe you have, but going to the doctor, that's what they are trained to do - find answers, find ideas that you have not thought of." I said "The doctor can probably come up with other ideas that you or I or whomever has not thought of." No response to that, however I did see him contemplating what I said and realizing I just "may" be right. LOL

He asked why I still wanted the money to move out. I really didn't want to get into it, but he kept pressing. Finally, I said, "The truth is, I don't know how much longer I can go on living with you in a non-relationship. That's what it basically comes down to. If you're not going get yourself help; if you're going to continue to rely on others - i.e. "drug-dealer friend; other women - then I can't watch that much longer. It's not good for me or the kids."

I can't remember all of the convo...but something came up about his profile online in which he had this really pathetic, icky bunch of lines directed to OW, including "I love you OW". I told him I saw it and that I could not lay in bed with him each night; have him leaning on me; good, old trusty NM, always there, always reliable. I said I felt used. I said that I knew that I was letting myself be used, and for certain things I didn't mind, but that others things just weren't acceptable to me any more. I also told him, as a friend - that having stuff like that out there made him look very pathetic, desperate, and needy. I gave some kind of example about it, and said the person who breaks up with you is not going to come back to you because you're all clingy and desperate and pathetic; that as a general rule, the ex will not find that attractive.

I know, some of this was probably not good DBing, but I am about through with it all. It's been 3-4 years of dissension between us and I believe my tolerance level has been met. I gave him the advice about his profile as a friend. (And sure as shit, he went and changed it later to something very generic.) It was hard knowing that he would probably take that advice from me (change his profile), but, I didn't like the thought of people thinking of him in that negative way. Does that make any sense?

I don't know, maybe I'm still too enmeshed. Well, duh, of course I am. But that detachment thing does come in handy in those instances when he does start talking about his hurt about OW and what "she" did to "him". And for me to sit there and listen to this, knowing everything that he did (lying to her, cheating on her, etc), to hear him explain how devastated he is that they aren't together anymore - well let me tell you all, it's excruciating at times and I'm thankful that I can disassociate myself from my hurt feelings and sit through it like a friend would and offer the advice that a friend would. And yet, even after saying those things about OW, he'll admit to not being ready to let ME go; not knowing what he wants with me. He's told me many times that the thought of me moving out again puts him in a state of sheer panic and his fears of abandonment and loss come crashing in on him. Again, I try to keep my own personal, biased feelings aside and offer advice the best I can, including encouraging him to continue with the therapist.

Ok...that's all I've got time for right now. I actually started writing this on Monday...didn't get much time to finish up what I had started until now.