I'm such a bad poster, lol. Some days I have a lot to say, then days or weeks go by when I can't be bothered.
I guess I still haven't learned the trick to true & complete detachment. Ah, well.
SO claimed again that he was seeing a counselor. I did finally look at his insurance claims and there are none for anything other than his hospitals stays. I suppose I didn't really expect that he was telling the truth, although it would have been nice.
He's still corresponding with the ex from years ago....also still trying to keep things going on with current OW, although she seems to be about done with him. As for me, well, some days he's hot, some days cold.
This past weekend the kids were at his mothers. I went out with friends Friday night and didn't come home. That pissed him off. {Shrug}. Saturday night he had asked me to help him with one of his gigs, so I did. It was OK, we got along fine, even going out to a couple of bars afterwards - although they were here in our town (as opposed to somewhere where any"one" would see us.). He had been asking me to stay in his room with him. Sunday was a really, really nice morning. We woke to no kids, quiet. Stayed in bed, messed around, until the early afternoon. When I left to go pick up the kids, I thought to myself that if we had only had more nights/days like Saturday/Sunday, it may have made a big difference in our relationship. We didn't do that often enough. Just "be" with each other. That makes me sad.
I don't know where I am today. I'm once again going through the cycle of debating staying vs. leaving. I wonder when I'll make a definitive choice.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Saturday, January 20, 2007
How do you break free when you can't financially leave? When I was on my own, I was so much better. Emotionally. I was free, I was ME. When living with him, I'm so much worse. I find myself constantly drawn into the drama; his insecurities; his schedule....I can't break free of HIM when I'm around HIM. Everything always is centered around him...his schedule...his wants....his quirks. I can't deal with that anymore.
How do you change the status quo? I feel stymied. Smothered. I feel like my potential is being hindered.
I can't make him love me. I can't get him to look at me different; but yet, for some reason he doesn't want to make the decision to let me go. Doesn't want me; but doesn't want to lose me. Doesn't want to work on things; but complains things will never change. Doesn't want to make a change; but complains about things as they are.
Black...white. In...out. Stay....Go. Good....bad.
I wake up and feel so alone. I AM alone most of the time. Last night I found myself at 8 PM, one kid with her Nana, the other 2 asleep, him gone to work at the bar. I wondered what the fuck I was going to do. I'm tired of being alone. I had a whole night to do....what? Watch TV - alone. Go to bed - alone. Alone, alone, alone. It almost broke me last night. Just the thought of HOURS by myself. But I couldn't go out...no babysitter for the 2 little ones. No money to pay for one. No money for gas, or going out or whatever. So what did I do? Numbed myself by watching that 70's show reruns; finally going to bed at 10 pm. I couldn't even find the desire to read any of the books I got.
I feel so stuck.
How do you change the status quo? I feel stymied. Smothered. I feel like my potential is being hindered.
I can't make him love me. I can't get him to look at me different; but yet, for some reason he doesn't want to make the decision to let me go. Doesn't want me; but doesn't want to lose me. Doesn't want to work on things; but complains things will never change. Doesn't want to make a change; but complains about things as they are.
Black...white. In...out. Stay....Go. Good....bad.
I wake up and feel so alone. I AM alone most of the time. Last night I found myself at 8 PM, one kid with her Nana, the other 2 asleep, him gone to work at the bar. I wondered what the fuck I was going to do. I'm tired of being alone. I had a whole night to do....what? Watch TV - alone. Go to bed - alone. Alone, alone, alone. It almost broke me last night. Just the thought of HOURS by myself. But I couldn't go out...no babysitter for the 2 little ones. No money to pay for one. No money for gas, or going out or whatever. So what did I do? Numbed myself by watching that 70's show reruns; finally going to bed at 10 pm. I couldn't even find the desire to read any of the books I got.
I feel so stuck.
Friday, January 19, 2007
The Sad Truth
SO came home from the hospital on Monday. Since then, I've mostly avoided him. I'm not exactly sure why. Just feels like the right thing to do right now. The 1st night he was home, he came to my room, woke me, and asked me to sleep with him in his room. I did. No sex, just sleep. He's been hinting since to keep sleeping with him, but I haven't. Something's not right. I can just feel it.
I used his car the other day and there on the seat was a print out of emails between him and his old girlfriend. The one right before me, the one he was engaged to, the one he cheated on - the one who ended up marrying one of his best friends. On a hunch, I checked the computer history - he's been on her myspace page every time he logs on to the computer.
I'm tired of this. All of this. I don't why I even care so much about him. Life with him for the last 4 years has been hell. Too many problems to overcome. And now this. I also checked his profile and it's been changed to say he would go back to 1993 (the year he was with her) and do it all different and right if he could.
As far as I am aware, she's still married. But, as we all know - that doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot to some people. I can very easily find out if she's still married or what the status of her marriage is (we're all from the same area, her H's parents are my mothers next door neighbors), but why bother?
Ghosts of the past. I can't fight them. He's got our relationship compartmentalized into "over and done" anyway. Now, it appears he's focusing his energies on resurrecting that part of his past life.
I have to get out of here. Once and for all. I need to move forward with MY life. Get away from him already. If there was just ONE good thing that I could still find; if there was just ONE sign that there was still hope for our R, then I would try and stick it out. But there are no signs. There is no hope. I can't find any more reasons to hold on.
The reality is that he is a man with some very deep issues, issues that he will not seek help for. And even if there wasn't the issue of whether he "loved me", we would still then have to deal with these 'other' difficult issues. But, this relationship is facing a double-whammy. Too many issues. And all for what? I forget.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Why do I bother with any of this? This life is not good for the kids. I'm constantly bitchy - mostly because I'm unhappy with my life. The thing is, if SO were to go our separate ways, I would leave the area. I'm here because when we moved here, it was together, as a family. For him, for me, for the raising of our kids, I would stay here. Without him and without our family whole, there isn't much for me here.
The life I knew when together with SO has been taken away from me due to his radio personality. The places we used to go, the things we used to do - well, everyone has followed him. They are the only things I knew around here, and now they are gone.
The very small town we live in is a minimum of 45 minutes from any signs of civilization - in any direction. I don't know anyone in this town; not even the neighbors. One side are old; the other side are weekenders. We're in the boonies.
The few friends I do have around here, once again - from 45 minutes away to 2 hours away. Babysitters? None. Plus, paying for a babysitter plus the costs of gas to go out, as well as the event I'd be doing that needs to be paid for - it all adds up. Family - his and mine are both 1 hour away. Mine in a different state, as well. But, the thing is, if I decide to move out again - that's probably where I'd head to...for now. Closer to our families until I got my feet on the ground. It's the only place I can go where I'd get some help with the kids.
But that would pretty much put the kibosh on any R with SO.
SO's constant statement of he doesn't want to make the decision about "us" is very draining. Again, a no-win situation. For everyone. If I make the decision to move out - then I've abandoned him. If I stay - it pushes him away and makes it harder for him to decide if he wants anything with me.
The life I knew when together with SO has been taken away from me due to his radio personality. The places we used to go, the things we used to do - well, everyone has followed him. They are the only things I knew around here, and now they are gone.
The very small town we live in is a minimum of 45 minutes from any signs of civilization - in any direction. I don't know anyone in this town; not even the neighbors. One side are old; the other side are weekenders. We're in the boonies.
The few friends I do have around here, once again - from 45 minutes away to 2 hours away. Babysitters? None. Plus, paying for a babysitter plus the costs of gas to go out, as well as the event I'd be doing that needs to be paid for - it all adds up. Family - his and mine are both 1 hour away. Mine in a different state, as well. But, the thing is, if I decide to move out again - that's probably where I'd head to...for now. Closer to our families until I got my feet on the ground. It's the only place I can go where I'd get some help with the kids.
But that would pretty much put the kibosh on any R with SO.
SO's constant statement of he doesn't want to make the decision about "us" is very draining. Again, a no-win situation. For everyone. If I make the decision to move out - then I've abandoned him. If I stay - it pushes him away and makes it harder for him to decide if he wants anything with me.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Going Back In Time
Ok...let's go back in time....1996, Christmas time....I'm almost 28 years old, down on my luck. I had to drop out of college and move back into a 3 room apartment at my mothers because I couldn't afford tuition. The University I was going to was 2 hours away, I was working full-time, well, had just gotten laid off for the winter, and I was devastated about having to drop out. It was the only thing I had ever wanted - my college degree.
As a result, I was drinking - a lot. If memory serves me correct, me and a male friend of mine had been on a binge that was over a month long - I believe it had started around Thanksgiving of that year. We would go out, hopping from happy hour to happy hour every night, get smashed, go home, sleep, then get up and do it again. Not good.
I met SO on the 27th of December. My friend and I made our usual stop at the last bar closest to my apartment. I had actually been the designated driver for the night. Not that it meant the driver didn't drink, just that driver drank LESS than the drinker. I hadn't had too much to drink up to that point, so we headed to the bar, only about 2 miles from my house, where I planned on catching up to him with several shots.
It was there that SO was. And so it turns out, him and my friend knew each other in passing. My friend had done some work at SO's grandfathers house and that's how they sort of knew each other. My friend sat down next to SO and we all began talking.....
It got later and later, and my friend was pretty drunk and decided it was time to go. I wasn't ready. I was just starting to have fun...and it was only about 11 PM. Future SO overheard us arguing about me not wanting to leave and offered to drive me home. On impulse, I said OK. I remember thinking to myself, well, I have seen him around before, he's not a mad rapist, and worse case scenario - I'm close enough that I could always walk home or call my mommy!!! LOL My friend leaves.....SO & I end up talking & drinking the rest of the night. Don't ask about what, because I have no recollection. He drove me home, then I do remember that he asked if I would go out with him the next night. I said no. He wrote his number down and gave it to me anyway, then asked for mine. Now - back then I would NEVER give my number to anyone - well, not a real one anyway. But for some reason, I did give him my real number.
The next afternoon....yeah - afternoon, around 3 or so, lol...my mother comes out and wakes me up, telling me "some guy on the phone insists I wake you up - he really needs to talk to you. " and gives me a strange look. I take the phone and it's SO. He says: You never called me. I said: I told you I wasn't going to. He asked if I wanted to come to his house and he would cook me dinner that night. This intrigued me - I never had a man cook for me before. So, I said yes.
After dinner (now, in hindsight, the cooking for me thing was because he didn't have any money to buy dinner at a restaurant!!!)...Later on, we went out to the bar (from the night before, where he runs a tab, BTW) and had a great time just talking. One of the topics I remember talking about was cheating. I remember him questioning me over & over about cheating and my thoughts on it. I remember thinking at the time that someone must have burned him bad for him to be so suspicious. He did tell me had been engaged, but it ended when he found her cheating with his best friend (whom she ultimately married...all of this comes in to play later on in this saga!).
We went to another bar...I remember watching him - he had gone over to talk with someone - I remember just watching him and he looked me and smiled. All I remember saying to myself at that time was "Oh no, I'm in trouble." I felt myself falling really, really hard right at that moment.
As the night went on, a bunch of his friends joined us. They were drunk and he didn't want them driving so he offered to take them back to his grandparents place. I have to explain - him & his brother & sister lived at their grandparents, however, the grnadparents went to Florida every winter for 4-5 months, so this was the party house!)....anyway, as a result of driving his friends around, there wasn't enough gas left to get me home. (we didn't live in an area where there was such a thing as 24 hour convenience stores!!!)...
I ended up staying the night with him. We slept in the same bed, but didn't do anything. I swear! LOL We really didn't - not that he didn't try, but, as a matter of fact, we didn't end up doing "anything" for about 6 weeks after that first date.
This was 12/28 - a date I will always remember because it was grandmothers birthday...and, ultimately, would come to be our 2nd daughters birthday as well.
After that, we were instantly an item....he constantly called, pursued, came over. It almost got annoying. I still had my friends and my life and I remember telling him I was going out with them (instead of him) and he got mad at me. Including New Years - he was working and I already had tickets to a concert with a bunch of friends in NYC. he got mad when I got home at 3 AM, then asked me to come to the bar because he was still working. (I did.) then afterwards, he came back to my place to sleep - even though I had friends there.
At the time, I just thought he really liked me. I never saw it for what it was. He was bulldozing me. Right from the start. I also thought it had something to do with the fact that he had to go back to Florida to take care of his grandparents and he was trying to cram everything in in the short time we had left....he was actually supposed to go back Jan 3rd or 4th or something and stayed for a few weeks longer.
When he did return to Florida, there was always several calls from him each day, including marathon ones that lasted hours & hours into the early morning. And, jeez - if I wasn't there to take his call, he would get mad at me. Where was I? Who was I with? Pissed because I was out with my male friend (even though it was that particular male friend that introduced us!!). Pissed because ALL of my friends were male. I only have a few close female friends - and they didn't live in the area at the time, so most everyone I hung out with was guys. That's just me and it's the way I've always been. And he didn't like it.
Once again - I didn't see these as evil signs. I saw it as signs that he really cared about me; missed me, and that he had been burned before and he had trust issues because of it. I tried to understand that. I also immediately saw that he was someone who needed a lot of attention. I picked up on his low self-esteem right away and could almost see the chip sitting on his shoulder. I never realized the depths of it all.
Also in those early days, he bombarded with all sorts of information about his life....(way too soon, I thought at the time)...but I listened - once again confusing it with caring about me ....about how he hated his mother because she left him (and his brother & sister) when he was 7. packed up, left his father, and left the kids with his father and initiated a divorce. I believe this is THE key to this mans whole identity crisis.
Then, to add insult to injury, when he was 18, he found out that the man who raised him was NOT his biological father. It turns out that his mother was having an affair with her boss (who was about 30 years older than her) while she was dating his "father". When she found out she was pregnant, she blamed it on the man she was dating and they got married in a hurry. So, SO found this out and I believe that added more fuel to his fire.
I listened to all the stories about his younger days...his brief engagement to a girl he met...all of this happened within the first month or so we met. Then, when we did finally make love, he was the first one to say I love you. I have to laugh, because even now I rememebr that I was thinking "What? because we had sex? Wait a second dude, this is too fast!!!!!" LOL - all those things ran through my mind...and, ahem, No, I didn't say it back. Not right then....it took me a few days to think about it, then I did tell him I loved him, too.
OK...so those are the early days. It was actually kind of fun remembering that stuff. I hadn't really thought about it in a long time. They were good days. fun days. Now, if only the magic of those moments could be captured and sprinkled over today, all would be good! :)
As a result, I was drinking - a lot. If memory serves me correct, me and a male friend of mine had been on a binge that was over a month long - I believe it had started around Thanksgiving of that year. We would go out, hopping from happy hour to happy hour every night, get smashed, go home, sleep, then get up and do it again. Not good.
I met SO on the 27th of December. My friend and I made our usual stop at the last bar closest to my apartment. I had actually been the designated driver for the night. Not that it meant the driver didn't drink, just that driver drank LESS than the drinker. I hadn't had too much to drink up to that point, so we headed to the bar, only about 2 miles from my house, where I planned on catching up to him with several shots.
It was there that SO was. And so it turns out, him and my friend knew each other in passing. My friend had done some work at SO's grandfathers house and that's how they sort of knew each other. My friend sat down next to SO and we all began talking.....
It got later and later, and my friend was pretty drunk and decided it was time to go. I wasn't ready. I was just starting to have fun...and it was only about 11 PM. Future SO overheard us arguing about me not wanting to leave and offered to drive me home. On impulse, I said OK. I remember thinking to myself, well, I have seen him around before, he's not a mad rapist, and worse case scenario - I'm close enough that I could always walk home or call my mommy!!! LOL My friend leaves.....SO & I end up talking & drinking the rest of the night. Don't ask about what, because I have no recollection. He drove me home, then I do remember that he asked if I would go out with him the next night. I said no. He wrote his number down and gave it to me anyway, then asked for mine. Now - back then I would NEVER give my number to anyone - well, not a real one anyway. But for some reason, I did give him my real number.
The next afternoon....yeah - afternoon, around 3 or so, lol...my mother comes out and wakes me up, telling me "some guy on the phone insists I wake you up - he really needs to talk to you. " and gives me a strange look. I take the phone and it's SO. He says: You never called me. I said: I told you I wasn't going to. He asked if I wanted to come to his house and he would cook me dinner that night. This intrigued me - I never had a man cook for me before. So, I said yes.
After dinner (now, in hindsight, the cooking for me thing was because he didn't have any money to buy dinner at a restaurant!!!)...Later on, we went out to the bar (from the night before, where he runs a tab, BTW) and had a great time just talking. One of the topics I remember talking about was cheating. I remember him questioning me over & over about cheating and my thoughts on it. I remember thinking at the time that someone must have burned him bad for him to be so suspicious. He did tell me had been engaged, but it ended when he found her cheating with his best friend (whom she ultimately married...all of this comes in to play later on in this saga!).
We went to another bar...I remember watching him - he had gone over to talk with someone - I remember just watching him and he looked me and smiled. All I remember saying to myself at that time was "Oh no, I'm in trouble." I felt myself falling really, really hard right at that moment.
As the night went on, a bunch of his friends joined us. They were drunk and he didn't want them driving so he offered to take them back to his grandparents place. I have to explain - him & his brother & sister lived at their grandparents, however, the grnadparents went to Florida every winter for 4-5 months, so this was the party house!)....anyway, as a result of driving his friends around, there wasn't enough gas left to get me home. (we didn't live in an area where there was such a thing as 24 hour convenience stores!!!)...
I ended up staying the night with him. We slept in the same bed, but didn't do anything. I swear! LOL We really didn't - not that he didn't try, but, as a matter of fact, we didn't end up doing "anything" for about 6 weeks after that first date.
This was 12/28 - a date I will always remember because it was grandmothers birthday...and, ultimately, would come to be our 2nd daughters birthday as well.
After that, we were instantly an item....he constantly called, pursued, came over. It almost got annoying. I still had my friends and my life and I remember telling him I was going out with them (instead of him) and he got mad at me. Including New Years - he was working and I already had tickets to a concert with a bunch of friends in NYC. he got mad when I got home at 3 AM, then asked me to come to the bar because he was still working. (I did.) then afterwards, he came back to my place to sleep - even though I had friends there.
At the time, I just thought he really liked me. I never saw it for what it was. He was bulldozing me. Right from the start. I also thought it had something to do with the fact that he had to go back to Florida to take care of his grandparents and he was trying to cram everything in in the short time we had left....he was actually supposed to go back Jan 3rd or 4th or something and stayed for a few weeks longer.
When he did return to Florida, there was always several calls from him each day, including marathon ones that lasted hours & hours into the early morning. And, jeez - if I wasn't there to take his call, he would get mad at me. Where was I? Who was I with? Pissed because I was out with my male friend (even though it was that particular male friend that introduced us!!). Pissed because ALL of my friends were male. I only have a few close female friends - and they didn't live in the area at the time, so most everyone I hung out with was guys. That's just me and it's the way I've always been. And he didn't like it.
Once again - I didn't see these as evil signs. I saw it as signs that he really cared about me; missed me, and that he had been burned before and he had trust issues because of it. I tried to understand that. I also immediately saw that he was someone who needed a lot of attention. I picked up on his low self-esteem right away and could almost see the chip sitting on his shoulder. I never realized the depths of it all.
Also in those early days, he bombarded with all sorts of information about his life....(way too soon, I thought at the time)...but I listened - once again confusing it with caring about me ....about how he hated his mother because she left him (and his brother & sister) when he was 7. packed up, left his father, and left the kids with his father and initiated a divorce. I believe this is THE key to this mans whole identity crisis.
Then, to add insult to injury, when he was 18, he found out that the man who raised him was NOT his biological father. It turns out that his mother was having an affair with her boss (who was about 30 years older than her) while she was dating his "father". When she found out she was pregnant, she blamed it on the man she was dating and they got married in a hurry. So, SO found this out and I believe that added more fuel to his fire.
I listened to all the stories about his younger days...his brief engagement to a girl he met...all of this happened within the first month or so we met. Then, when we did finally make love, he was the first one to say I love you. I have to laugh, because even now I rememebr that I was thinking "What? because we had sex? Wait a second dude, this is too fast!!!!!" LOL - all those things ran through my mind...and, ahem, No, I didn't say it back. Not right then....it took me a few days to think about it, then I did tell him I loved him, too.
OK...so those are the early days. It was actually kind of fun remembering that stuff. I hadn't really thought about it in a long time. They were good days. fun days. Now, if only the magic of those moments could be captured and sprinkled over today, all would be good! :)
&%@#(#&*%!
Well, SO is back in the hospital. The SOB hasn't even gotten in touch with me since last night with the exception of this email from around 11 this morning:
That's it. That's all I know. It's times like this when I know he's in touch with everyone else in the world, and I am so out of the loop and feel like a frigging idiot for even caring about him. On top of it, OW's mother works in the hospital that he's admitted to. And, they live not far from there, whereas "I" am an hour away. Fukitol.
It's obvious he doesn't want me around anyway. And I'm sure sooner or later he will blame this hospital stay on me, as history has said he will.
But, even through my pissiness, lol, I did respond with (what I hope) was a nice enough email back to him:
"OK.... thanks for the update - been really worried...texted you a few times & left a VM. Don't worry about us here, concentrate on yourself. If there's anything you need, let me know.
xo
me"
I have zero cash on me. The bank account is about $300 overdrawn so I can't even get any out; I've only got a quarter tank of gas in my truck which just so happens to have a power steering problem that he was going to fix this weekend, so, if the fucking thing breaks down - I have no vehicle! Oh, yeah - I've got his 2 pickup trucks here, but nothing that will fit me and the 3 kids.
Goddammit anyway. He did call earlier. Around 1 or so, just to say he didn't know anything and that "I can't talk to you right now.". I said OK, Bye and we hung up. Ass.
"Have my laptop here, B will come get in later for tonights gig. I'm in pain, but just got out of CT scan, I'll know more later".
That's it. That's all I know. It's times like this when I know he's in touch with everyone else in the world, and I am so out of the loop and feel like a frigging idiot for even caring about him. On top of it, OW's mother works in the hospital that he's admitted to. And, they live not far from there, whereas "I" am an hour away. Fukitol.
It's obvious he doesn't want me around anyway. And I'm sure sooner or later he will blame this hospital stay on me, as history has said he will.
But, even through my pissiness, lol, I did respond with (what I hope) was a nice enough email back to him:
"OK.... thanks for the update - been really worried...texted you a few times & left a VM. Don't worry about us here, concentrate on yourself. If there's anything you need, let me know.
xo
me"
I have zero cash on me. The bank account is about $300 overdrawn so I can't even get any out; I've only got a quarter tank of gas in my truck which just so happens to have a power steering problem that he was going to fix this weekend, so, if the fucking thing breaks down - I have no vehicle! Oh, yeah - I've got his 2 pickup trucks here, but nothing that will fit me and the 3 kids.
Goddammit anyway. He did call earlier. Around 1 or so, just to say he didn't know anything and that "I can't talk to you right now.". I said OK, Bye and we hung up. Ass.
Certain words & phrases from SO:
He feels empty inside; Can't make a solid decision - wants others to make the big decisions in his life (re: me & kids - leave him or stay)
He sees things/people/subjects in black & white only - doesn't think people can have varying opinions on the same subject
Irrational fears of abandonment (his exact words "I only want a woman who won't leave me")
Bad self-image; no self-confidence; feelings of worthlessness
Lack of close personal friends - seems to use them for a while, then seems to move on to the next "friend"
Constantly says he is "inadequate"; always asks if I hate him; indicates that I should not love him after everything he's put me through
Says he feels so guilty and ashamed of the bad things he puts people through
Stuck in the past - constant statement "I wish it was 1982 (or some year from his past)" - seems from the time when his grandparents were all still alive
Do lottery tickets count as gambling? Large sums of money spent each day on scratch-offs; inability to stop compulsive spending on other frivolous items
Drug Use? Prescriptions - vicodin, percoset, etc. He's never been an excessive drinker
fear of being out of control of a situation; always has to be center of attention - even when it's someone elses turn to shine
Does not accept responsibility for his actions; ignores the consequences of the actions that hurt others
Constant criticism of others; irrational accusations that partner is "cheating" on him (among other accusations?
Projects his bad self-image or his guilty feelings on others
Splitting - one day someone is all good - the next they can do nothing right in his eyes;
Constnatly feels betrayed by people when they go against his wishes, thoughts or ideas. When someone stands up for what they believe in, he ridicules, criticizes, tries to get them to see things "his" way; uses bullying tactics when necessary to get his way(this goes for anything - sex, food, whatever and with whomever - friends, partners, family members, kids
Cannot stand to be ALONE - neither figuratively or physically. When left alone (physically) - he will be on the phone, calling anyone and everyone just to talk to someone; or (even simultaneously) be on the computer IM'ing and emailing people - seems like he can't stand to be in the presence of himself
Obssessive/Compulsive behavior - when you don't answer his calls/emails, he will not stop trying to reach you until you answer him. There's been times when he has hit redial until I answered - 20, 30 - 50 times. Then, projects all sorts of irrational accusations about "WHY" the person didn't answer him
Goes to extraordinary lengths to make people believe him; covers up the "bad" things he has done; will comepletely fabricate intricate stories to cover himself up
Lives in two worlds i.e.: He's got his "real" life ; then there's the alternate persona he's created with his "radio personality"
He feels empty inside; Can't make a solid decision - wants others to make the big decisions in his life (re: me & kids - leave him or stay)
He sees things/people/subjects in black & white only - doesn't think people can have varying opinions on the same subject
Irrational fears of abandonment (his exact words "I only want a woman who won't leave me")
Bad self-image; no self-confidence; feelings of worthlessness
Lack of close personal friends - seems to use them for a while, then seems to move on to the next "friend"
Constantly says he is "inadequate"; always asks if I hate him; indicates that I should not love him after everything he's put me through
Says he feels so guilty and ashamed of the bad things he puts people through
Stuck in the past - constant statement "I wish it was 1982 (or some year from his past)" - seems from the time when his grandparents were all still alive
Do lottery tickets count as gambling? Large sums of money spent each day on scratch-offs; inability to stop compulsive spending on other frivolous items
Drug Use? Prescriptions - vicodin, percoset, etc. He's never been an excessive drinker
fear of being out of control of a situation; always has to be center of attention - even when it's someone elses turn to shine
Does not accept responsibility for his actions; ignores the consequences of the actions that hurt others
Constant criticism of others; irrational accusations that partner is "cheating" on him (among other accusations?
Projects his bad self-image or his guilty feelings on others
Splitting - one day someone is all good - the next they can do nothing right in his eyes;
Constnatly feels betrayed by people when they go against his wishes, thoughts or ideas. When someone stands up for what they believe in, he ridicules, criticizes, tries to get them to see things "his" way; uses bullying tactics when necessary to get his way(this goes for anything - sex, food, whatever and with whomever - friends, partners, family members, kids
Cannot stand to be ALONE - neither figuratively or physically. When left alone (physically) - he will be on the phone, calling anyone and everyone just to talk to someone; or (even simultaneously) be on the computer IM'ing and emailing people - seems like he can't stand to be in the presence of himself
Obssessive/Compulsive behavior - when you don't answer his calls/emails, he will not stop trying to reach you until you answer him. There's been times when he has hit redial until I answered - 20, 30 - 50 times. Then, projects all sorts of irrational accusations about "WHY" the person didn't answer him
Goes to extraordinary lengths to make people believe him; covers up the "bad" things he has done; will comepletely fabricate intricate stories to cover himself up
Lives in two worlds i.e.: He's got his "real" life ; then there's the alternate persona he's created with his "radio personality"
BPD Criterion
Criterion for BPD with my answer in red:
2. A pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. YES!!!! Even prior to our R
3. Identity disturbance: markedly & persistently unstable self-image or sense of self - YES!
4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (eg, spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Yes? Spending frivolously; substance abuse (vicodin, percoset which has been going on longer than I originally believed - for at least4 years that I can trace back); Sex? Perhaps....
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior; gestures, or threats. NO - However, constantly says he "will be dead before he is 40".
6. Affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood (eg, intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). Sometimes - he's more prone to hold everything INSIDE rather than let it out, but it does happen occasionally; lately, more often
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. He has recently begun stating this to me using the exact words "I always feel empty inside" (By recently I mean over the last 3-4 years; even prior to OW)
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger. At times - usually keeps it all bottled up inside. he can be seething on the inside and you would never know. Very unable to express his anger in a healthy manner.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Sometimes he seems "out there". I can't make a determination on this one.
Additional traits:
2. Undefined boundaries - has difficulty with personal limits - both his own and those of others YES!!
3. Control Issues - feels the need to control other people because they feel so out of control with themselves. YES!!
4. Lack of Object Constancy - finds it difficult to soothe or console himself; if a person is not physically present, they don't exist on an emotional level. May call frequently just to make sure you're still there and care about them. YES!
5. Interpersonal Sensitivity - an amazing ability to read people and uncover their triggers & vulnerabilities. has an astute ability to identify and use social & nonverbal clues of others so they can ultimately use them to their advantage in various situations - YES!
6. Situational Competence - Are competent and in control in some situations example: work. YES
7. Narcissistic Demands - frequently bringing the focus of attention back to themselves; may react to things based solely on how it affects THEM YES
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. YES!!!!!
2. A pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. YES!!!! Even prior to our R
4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (eg, spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Yes? Spending frivolously; substance abuse (vicodin, percoset which has been going on longer than I originally believed - for at least4 years that I can trace back); Sex? Perhaps....
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior; gestures, or threats. NO - However, constantly says he "will be dead before he is 40".
6. Affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood (eg, intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). Sometimes - he's more prone to hold everything INSIDE rather than let it out, but it does happen occasionally; lately, more often
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. He has recently begun stating this to me using the exact words "I always feel empty inside" (By recently I mean over the last 3-4 years; even prior to OW)
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger. At times - usually keeps it all bottled up inside. he can be seething on the inside and you would never know. Very unable to express his anger in a healthy manner.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Sometimes he seems "out there". I can't make a determination on this one.
Additional traits:
1. Pervasive shame - feels flawed. The book describes him best: "A shame-based person will guard against exposing his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against exposing himself to himself". He CANNOT look at himself.
2. Undefined boundaries - has difficulty with personal limits - both his own and those of others YES!!
3. Control Issues - feels the need to control other people because they feel so out of control with themselves. YES!!
4. Lack of Object Constancy - finds it difficult to soothe or console himself; if a person is not physically present, they don't exist on an emotional level. May call frequently just to make sure you're still there and care about them. YES!
5. Interpersonal Sensitivity - an amazing ability to read people and uncover their triggers & vulnerabilities. has an astute ability to identify and use social & nonverbal clues of others so they can ultimately use them to their advantage in various situations - YES!
6. Situational Competence - Are competent and in control in some situations example: work. YES
7. Narcissistic Demands - frequently bringing the focus of attention back to themselves; may react to things based solely on how it affects THEM YES
More
OK...this is harder than I thought. My SO (significant other, used because I have no idea what to call him at the moment) has been involved with another woman (OW, for future reference) for over 2 years now. In my pursuit to find the cause of this cheating and trying to figure out how to repair our relationship - I came across a wonderful website and book called Divorce Busting Divorce Busting Community .
In my adventures there, I met a lot of fantastic people who are going through a really shitty time in their lives. I also learned a lot about how relationships (R's) work, don't work, communication, etc. I haven't decided whether I will link my threads from there to here or not...anyway, a lot of the jargon I have grown used to using was learned there.
Over the years I have noticed some personality issues with SO. I'm noting this because he has recently stated to me that "what is wrong with him" has a name...Borderline Personality Disorder.
I, however, am no psychologist and am in no way qualified to make the necessary assessments that would determine whether he is suffering from an actual mental disorder or not. But whatever it is that he is suffering from, whether it be BPD, mid-life crisis, or just a plain old lying cheating bastard, I need to figure out where to go from here.
We have three little girls whose futures have yet to be written. I need to do what is best for them and for myself...if SO really is suffering from some form of a personality disorder, I need to learn all that I can so as to be able to effectively deal with him...seemingly for the rest of my life - as we share the parentage of our children and I don't think he will just go away.
So, here I am. This journal may be wacky to some out there. I have no idea where I am going to go with it, or how my thoughts will come out on "paper". But I do want to try and get our history down first; as well as the criterion for BPD because I think a lot of it was present from the very beginning of our R, whether I chose to see it or not.
And a warning, I am not a very proficient writer, I tend to be way too wordy, lol. I also put in every little thing - not sure if it's meaningful or not. But anyone who has the patience to read through this, God love ya! :)
In my adventures there, I met a lot of fantastic people who are going through a really shitty time in their lives. I also learned a lot about how relationships (R's) work, don't work, communication, etc. I haven't decided whether I will link my threads from there to here or not...anyway, a lot of the jargon I have grown used to using was learned there.
Over the years I have noticed some personality issues with SO. I'm noting this because he has recently stated to me that "what is wrong with him" has a name...Borderline Personality Disorder.
I, however, am no psychologist and am in no way qualified to make the necessary assessments that would determine whether he is suffering from an actual mental disorder or not. But whatever it is that he is suffering from, whether it be BPD, mid-life crisis, or just a plain old lying cheating bastard, I need to figure out where to go from here.
We have three little girls whose futures have yet to be written. I need to do what is best for them and for myself...if SO really is suffering from some form of a personality disorder, I need to learn all that I can so as to be able to effectively deal with him...seemingly for the rest of my life - as we share the parentage of our children and I don't think he will just go away.
So, here I am. This journal may be wacky to some out there. I have no idea where I am going to go with it, or how my thoughts will come out on "paper". But I do want to try and get our history down first; as well as the criterion for BPD because I think a lot of it was present from the very beginning of our R, whether I chose to see it or not.
And a warning, I am not a very proficient writer, I tend to be way too wordy, lol. I also put in every little thing - not sure if it's meaningful or not. But anyone who has the patience to read through this, God love ya! :)
In the Beginning...
....Well, I've decided to put together this blog to help me with my relationship. I'm going to start with what I am SURE will turn out to be quite a lengthy narrative of my history with my Mr. Big. LOL. It may be that he is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I am hesitant to place a diagnosis on him, as I am not definitely qualified to do so, albeit I have lived with him for the last 10 years, so that should count for something, lmao.
But anyway, whatever is wrong with him, me, us - I hope by getting everything down in one place, I can somehow make sense of everything.
So here's the basics:
me: 38, January birthday
him: 33, May birthday
met December 1996; Never Married, 3 children - all girls: 8, 4, and 2
Next I hope to give a little background as to why I'm doing this; sites I've visited; info I've learned; how BPD (borderline personality disorder) may play into this and what decisions I have to make for me and my girls.
But anyway, whatever is wrong with him, me, us - I hope by getting everything down in one place, I can somehow make sense of everything.
So here's the basics:
me: 38, January birthday
him: 33, May birthday
met December 1996; Never Married, 3 children - all girls: 8, 4, and 2
Next I hope to give a little background as to why I'm doing this; sites I've visited; info I've learned; how BPD (borderline personality disorder) may play into this and what decisions I have to make for me and my girls.
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